Superwench over on Rachel Vater's blog asked me to teach her my secret to getting requests for partials.

Like I told her on Ms. Vater's blog, I don't know that I'm so good at queries. More like, I'm lucky in that my take on romance is in demand right now. Editors want more explicit novels; sexy paranormals are hot also, but I can't write those. I am so over vampires, and as for werewolves, meh. I could probably do something with witches and ghosts. Maybe if I run out of ideas for straight contemps, I'll give it a shot. I have like four book concepts plotted and ready to write, though, so it'll be a while, and the paranormal rush might be over by then.

I write steamy romantic comedies, and there aren't a lot of authors doing exactly that, as it can be hard to shift from sizzle to giggle. But I don't see why erotic romance has to be ultra-serious. Sex is fun and funny -- consider the faces people make.

At this point, you're probably thinking, you slut, what're you doing hanging around Rachel Vater's blog? Don't you love Michelle anymore?

Yes, of course, I love Michelle, I do, I swear! But even though we're committed, there's no harm in looking, is there? I didn't mean to imply Rachel is prettier or smarter or has bigger hair. (That was a mark of ultra-coolness in 1983). Anyhow. The reason I read other agents' blogs is because I feel guilty just surfing the 'net when I'm supposed to be writing. If I am reading about writing, then there's less slacker guilt to assuage with cheese doodles. Less cheese doodles are good because my ass is going to need its own zipcode one of these days.

All clear? Good. On to the winning query!

Dear [Agent Name]

The first novel I'd like you to consider, THE AVERAGE GIRL'S GUIDE TO GETTING LAID is hot, funny, modern, and thoroughly tender: an interracial romance that breaks down boundaries. It's a title targeted for markets like the new SPICE line, or chickliterotica, as I think of it. Berkeley Heat might also be a good possibility, and another publishing contact advised me to pitch the book to Kate Seaver, but I would really prefer someone else to handle that for me.

At 33, Ellie Campbell is a small-town woman with a vanilla sex life at the best of times. Of course she has friends and a moderately successful career as a travel writer, but in terms of personal excitement, her own grandmother gets wilder at Saturday night bingo. She's come to accept that she isn't the type of woman to inspire passion, and that she'll probably never have an orgasm outside of masturbation. The few lovers she's taken always leave her vaguely disappointed and wishing she'd used a vibrator instead.

But all that changes when a drunken dare results in a risque proposal, something nobody believes Ellie can pull off--an indispensable guide for the new millennium, teaching the average woman how to seek and experience pleasure just as men do.

I've been writing all my life and received a degree in Literature. About five years ago, I started making sales, and I currently live as an expatriate in sunny Mexico. At this point, I have a body of work in need of expert representation, so I'll give you an overview. I have two historical romance novels, previously published, but all rights have reverted to me. Both historical romance novels garnered four star reviews from such sources as Romantic Times and Affaire de Coeur.

Additionally, I have a science fiction romance novel in progress; working title is FALLING. I am interested in cultivating a professional relationship with an agent who will ultimately sell all five novels, and any romance I pen thereafter, including any science fiction or paranormal romances. If you should need to contact me via telephone, my number is [phone number]. Thanks for your time and attention, [agent name], and I look forward to hearing whether you have an interest in seeing more of my work.


Best Regards,

So that's it. I think I broke some rules talking about other books, but I wanted the agents to know that I've got other junk in my trunk, most of it with lots of hot, hide-the-sausage action and kung fu grip.

Offhand, I think the number one query letter mistake is making them too fucking long. You don't need to sum up the plot, point by point. You need a hook, short and sweet. And put some bounce in it; don't be afraid to show your writing style. That's kind of the point. Of course, I could be talking out my ass, and your mileage may vary.

Hope this helps someone. Til next time, I remain,

A banana without pyjamas.

PS - It's very important that you replace [agent name] with an actual name, spelled correctly. You get bonus points for doing it right more than once, and when they sign you, you get tickets for rides at Coney Island. And a monkey. (Haven't you always wanted a monkey?)