Try some; it's good.
Wherein I ramble about books, movies,
music, TV shows, my life, and occasionally, hot emo boys.
My Books
Current WiP
My ValentineGuide sequel = DONE
|
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Nora Roberts, Bad Sex, and the Art of the Tastier Orgasm
Hold on, folks. This is gonna be a smutty, sexed up blog. Now don't go shoving your hands down your pants just yet, but do read on.
I've been hanging around this awesome site lately. It's called Smart Bitches, and that's no joke. If I were a lesbian, I'd totally be gayin' it up on these ladies because they are smart and funny and utterly irreverent. I've never found a writer / reader forum that I heart more. But enough fangirl gushing.
Gushing. Now there's a nice segue if ever I wrote one. Turns out that Ms. Sarah wrote a blog entry called Le Petit Mort: Describing the Big Moment and it was funny as hell. In it, she invited us Smart Bitches to talk about the worst orgasms we've ever read.
Somewhere in the course of this discussion, I came up with the idea to start a list of orgasm / sex description no-nos so that we intrepid smut peddlers could do a search once our book is done, just to make sure nothing slipped through, like, say, if we were writing our sex scene with a 104 fever caused by the infected bite of an angry spider monkey escaped from a street performer, who used to be a man, but paid for the sex change by exploiting the cuteness of said spider monkey without ever letting the poor primate enjoy the charms of the hottie rhesus down the street, which explains why he was mad enough to bite a sexy-ass writer. Hey, it could happen.
So I started the list and Ms. Nora Roberts herself added the following:
Holy crap. Nora Roberts added to my no-no list. I reckon that's like being a Catholic standing outside the Vatican, just hoping for a glimpse of his Holiness, and having the Pope anoint your forehead with holy water. In this case, though, it's more like I've been blessed with (not boiling) love juice. Arise, my children. Fornicate!
And there's another nice segue. I'm going to run a workshop on this one day, but for now, you'll have to make do with the synopsis. You'd have to read all the comments to see how we got to that point in the conversation (but it's worth it). Anyhow, a Smart Bitch named Amy E. objected to the use of the word "delicious" in reference to come.
Don't worry, I'm here to help you out with the art of the tastier orgasm. If you manage your man's diet, it makes a huge difference. If he wants you to swallow, he should go heavy on fruits. Pineapple, papaya, cranberry, melons, mangos, apples, and grapes all improve the taste of sperm because they're high in sugar, which offsets the bitterness. Parsley, wheatgrass and celery are good for improving the flavor of ejaculate. So are cinnamon, cardamon, and peppermint. Above all, he should avoid garlic, onion, curry, dark beer, cabbage, caulifower, broccoli, tobacco, and coffee. He should also drink lots of water and go light on red meat.
If he's willing, you'll find that he tastes a lot better. Then again, I've only been with one man who wanted me to like his stuff bad enough to do all that. We actually did experiment to see whether it works, and it does. Although it'll never taste like whipped cream, you'd be surprised at how good it can be. You should also keep in mind that whatever he eats will be flavoring his ejaculate between 12-24 hours later. He can have the "yucky come" foods if he wants, but it'll take that long to work its way out again.
PS - This also applies to the ladies, more or less, if you want a tastier pussy. I went on this diet, not to lose my big fat ass, but to see if it works as well for women, and damn, but it does. He couldn't keep his face out of there. Best part is, apart from the nth degree increase in oral sex, when he says you have the sweetest pussy in the world, it might be pretty close to true.
I've been hanging around this awesome site lately. It's called Smart Bitches, and that's no joke. If I were a lesbian, I'd totally be gayin' it up on these ladies because they are smart and funny and utterly irreverent. I've never found a writer / reader forum that I heart more. But enough fangirl gushing.
Gushing. Now there's a nice segue if ever I wrote one. Turns out that Ms. Sarah wrote a blog entry called Le Petit Mort: Describing the Big Moment and it was funny as hell. In it, she invited us Smart Bitches to talk about the worst orgasms we've ever read.
Somewhere in the course of this discussion, I came up with the idea to start a list of orgasm / sex description no-nos so that we intrepid smut peddlers could do a search once our book is done, just to make sure nothing slipped through, like, say, if we were writing our sex scene with a 104 fever caused by the infected bite of an angry spider monkey escaped from a street performer, who used to be a man, but paid for the sex change by exploiting the cuteness of said spider monkey without ever letting the poor primate enjoy the charms of the hottie rhesus down the street, which explains why he was mad enough to bite a sexy-ass writer. Hey, it could happen.
So I started the list and Ms. Nora Roberts herself added the following:
I shouldn't. I should have more restraint. But the urge to add to this list:
1)creamy
2) hoo-hoo
3) any euphemism like "velvet manhood" or "pulsing honeypot"
is too strong for my meager will.
mossy grotto
purple-helmeted warrior
winking nipples
boiling love juice (serious ouch)
And any reference to dripping
Holy crap. Nora Roberts added to my no-no list. I reckon that's like being a Catholic standing outside the Vatican, just hoping for a glimpse of his Holiness, and having the Pope anoint your forehead with holy water. In this case, though, it's more like I've been blessed with (not boiling) love juice. Arise, my children. Fornicate!
And there's another nice segue. I'm going to run a workshop on this one day, but for now, you'll have to make do with the synopsis. You'd have to read all the comments to see how we got to that point in the conversation (but it's worth it). Anyhow, a Smart Bitch named Amy E. objected to the use of the word "delicious" in reference to come.
Don't worry, I'm here to help you out with the art of the tastier orgasm. If you manage your man's diet, it makes a huge difference. If he wants you to swallow, he should go heavy on fruits. Pineapple, papaya, cranberry, melons, mangos, apples, and grapes all improve the taste of sperm because they're high in sugar, which offsets the bitterness. Parsley, wheatgrass and celery are good for improving the flavor of ejaculate. So are cinnamon, cardamon, and peppermint. Above all, he should avoid garlic, onion, curry, dark beer, cabbage, caulifower, broccoli, tobacco, and coffee. He should also drink lots of water and go light on red meat.
If he's willing, you'll find that he tastes a lot better. Then again, I've only been with one man who wanted me to like his stuff bad enough to do all that. We actually did experiment to see whether it works, and it does. Although it'll never taste like whipped cream, you'd be surprised at how good it can be. You should also keep in mind that whatever he eats will be flavoring his ejaculate between 12-24 hours later. He can have the "yucky come" foods if he wants, but it'll take that long to work its way out again.
PS - This also applies to the ladies, more or less, if you want a tastier pussy. I went on this diet, not to lose my big fat ass, but to see if it works as well for women, and damn, but it does. He couldn't keep his face out of there. Best part is, apart from the nth degree increase in oral sex, when he says you have the sweetest pussy in the world, it might be pretty close to true.
And now I can explain why he must forever after call me Consuelo...
My husband, needless to say, is a real coffee drinker. A connoisseur, even. And we have the $500 Miss Sylvia espresso machine cum $500 burr grinder--which I am not allowed to touch, I should add--in our kitchen to prove it.
When he first got the Sylvia, the coffee was terrible. He quickly figured out it was the grinder. He hemmed and hawed about paying $500 for a grinder until I said, "Hon, without the grinder, Miss Sylvia is like an expensive whore you can't fuck. Buy the goddam grinder."
That line is classic.
No, I'm not a coffee drinker at all. I can't stand the stuff, to be honest. If I do have it, I put so much cream and sugar in it that I might as well just have some milk and honey. I will still sometimes do it just to be social, however. An interesting side effect of this is that I almost never have caffeine. When I do drink it (or even caffeinated sodas), it hits me like crack and I go into a seven hour frenzy.