Bitch 1: porn wannabes
Why is it when some romance writers are choosing their pseudonym, they go with something that sounds like a pornstar? See, I realize you're unleashing your inner wanton by writing erotic stuff but does naming yourself "Jemima Luscious," "Sinn Sweet", or "Tawny Love" help the industry? C'mon, ya'll. Show a little class. I picked Annie Dean because it's easy to remember / spell and it'll put me near the front on book shelves. My real name, Ann Aguirre (also at the front on the bookshelves), is nice and ethnic, so I'll use it for my darker stuff. My agent is convinced we need to brand under different names. Me, I don't care so much. I think readers will pretty much read whatever as long as it's good.

Which leads me to

Bitch 2: LKH
The bitches of SBTB led me into darkness by suggesting I read some Merry Gentry novels. I was a LKH virgin before that (I miss those days). Well, I've read all four now (have mercy on my soul) and I'm feeling like a salmon somebody clubbed, and now I'm laying in the bottom of the boat, trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

Adult faerie tales, dark, dangerous and sexy. Such a way cool idea, right? The series started out out with a lot of potential. I liked her ideas, loved Sholto, Doyle, and Frost. I was just starting to get into the Sholto / Merry relationship (mutual alienation, quite poignant, even though I'm not into hentai and she said something that annoyed me since I've swam with dolphins, she said his tentacles were rubbery like dolphin skin, which is astonishingly delicate and silky, if you've actually petted one -- still, she made it work). Then she bait and switched on me and suddenly Merry was making Doyle come in his pants without touching him.

But I understood why she sold books. I kept reading because I wanted to know where she was going.

Well. Fast forard to book four, where she's slowing down time so they can fit in all the fucking. In one scene, she has Nicca doing her, she's sucking Galen off and Kitto is humping the back of her neck (he comes all over her hair). As far as I can tell they're in a bathroom on the floor too, which makes it even hotter -- not. The door and wall explodes when they all orgasm (at the same time cos Merry has a magic cooch) and nearly kill all the tinkerbell voyeurs in the next room who are waiting for their wings. (When Merry Gentry comes, an angel gets his wings!)

To make matters worse, LKH changes characters, almost randomly to suit her needs: in book three (or was it two?) she had Frost turn into a pouting, whiny bastard (for no reason I could figure). In book four, she has Doyle sobbing like a woman more than once at the thought of losing Merry. I could only stare in horror.

As for Merry, the bitch is more MerrySue, if you ask me. She has a magical hoo-hoo for God's sake and everyone either wants to drink her blood or fuck her. I'm shaking my head, asking myself, how did this happen? And yet, even after reading about how a midget-goblin-sidhe came to orgasm while humping her neck, it's like a train wreck. I can't look away. I might even buy Mistral's Kiss (what's WRONG with me?). She's not a writer, she's a sickness. I paid hardback price to download Stroke of Midnight. Sigh.

Which leads me to


Bitch 3: Use technology, you damn Luddites!
Why don't authors go digital, even if they got a great paperback deal? Some of us read ebooks because we're out of the US and we don't want to pay a gazillion dollars in shipping. I do buy paperbacks, but I buy a whole lot more ebooks because I'm into instant gratification. When I lived in the states, I could indulge that by going to a BN right then. Not so in Naucalpan. Now I'm pissed off at P.C. Cast because I read Bam's review of Goddess of the Rose and I want to read the fucking book. I do not want to order it from Amazon or Powells and wait a month; I want it NOW.

Feel free to carry on bitching in comments. I'm spent, but I'm listening and in a mood.