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Wherein I ramble about books, movies,
music, TV shows, my life, and occasionally, hot emo boys.
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Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Workshop Wednesday - first pages
We all know how important first pages are. They often make the difference in whether someone is drawn into the story or decides they're not interested after all. So it's pretty crucial that we get good at recognizing whether our first pages have enough oomph to hook our readers.
And that's why today's topic is polishing first pages. I'm going to post my first page from the EC challenge story and you all tell me whether I've done enough to make you want to read on. Don't pull your punches either; I can take it. This workshop also includes an open invitation to post the first page of your current WIP and get an open crit of what you need to improve.
Ready? I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
One
She really should be over him by now.
Aileen Horne tugged at the wretched pink confection that showed off too much of her upper arms, making them look about three feet long. She didn't belong in taffeta and tulle. In her opinion, nobody over the age of six and not performing in a ballet recital should be required to wear such a getup.
But what Holly wanted, Holly got, which was why everyone was in full wedding regalia during dress rehearsal. All Holly needed to do was toss back her shiny blonde hair, offer her Colgate smile, and nobody noticed her asking for the moon. Just like nobody objected to getting all dressed up for her wedding, not once, but twice.
The other bridesmaid didn't appear to mind, but then she was petite and cute. "Can you believe it?" Lulu bounced beside her. "They're actually going to do it."
Holly's mom dashed by, mumbling about the florist and the caterer. It hadn't been a cheap wedding, Aileen knew. Holly's dad sat looking faintly queasy in the front row, while the organist tested out the wedding march. He'd be giving away his little girl soon.
Dum-dum-de-dum... Yeah, Aileen was dumb all right. No guy was worth ten years of unrequited devotion, no matter how delicious.
She mustered up a smile. "I know. First to take the plunge. You'll be next."
Lulu shook her head, grinning. "No way, I'm never getting married. You guys will always invite me over for holiday dinners and stuff, right? My parents are usually in Guam or somewhere retarded."
Aileen's smile became real, knowing Lulu counted on them for stability. Being an Army brat carried certain disadvantages. "Absolutely."
And that's why today's topic is polishing first pages. I'm going to post my first page from the EC challenge story and you all tell me whether I've done enough to make you want to read on. Don't pull your punches either; I can take it. This workshop also includes an open invitation to post the first page of your current WIP and get an open crit of what you need to improve.
Ready? I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
One
She really should be over him by now.
Aileen Horne tugged at the wretched pink confection that showed off too much of her upper arms, making them look about three feet long. She didn't belong in taffeta and tulle. In her opinion, nobody over the age of six and not performing in a ballet recital should be required to wear such a getup.
But what Holly wanted, Holly got, which was why everyone was in full wedding regalia during dress rehearsal. All Holly needed to do was toss back her shiny blonde hair, offer her Colgate smile, and nobody noticed her asking for the moon. Just like nobody objected to getting all dressed up for her wedding, not once, but twice.
The other bridesmaid didn't appear to mind, but then she was petite and cute. "Can you believe it?" Lulu bounced beside her. "They're actually going to do it."
Holly's mom dashed by, mumbling about the florist and the caterer. It hadn't been a cheap wedding, Aileen knew. Holly's dad sat looking faintly queasy in the front row, while the organist tested out the wedding march. He'd be giving away his little girl soon.
Dum-dum-de-dum... Yeah, Aileen was dumb all right. No guy was worth ten years of unrequited devotion, no matter how delicious.
She mustered up a smile. "I know. First to take the plunge. You'll be next."
Lulu shook her head, grinning. "No way, I'm never getting married. You guys will always invite me over for holiday dinners and stuff, right? My parents are usually in Guam or somewhere retarded."
Aileen's smile became real, knowing Lulu counted on them for stability. Being an Army brat carried certain disadvantages. "Absolutely."
Is Lulu the other bridesmaid? Because this is a bit unclear. It could easily just be "Lulu didn't seem to mind wearing hers, but then she was...".
I'd keep reading, yeah. I like the MC's point of view and I was intrigued by "twice".
Well, I definitely want to read more, so you musta hooked me in that page! I love the heroine's reflections about her horrible bridesmaid's dress.
I do have a coupla tiny linguistic quibbles:
No guy was worth ten years of unrequited devotion, no matter how delicious.
You need to move "no matter how delicious" after "guy". Otherwise, it sounds like the unrequited devotion is what's delicious *g!
And in the next sentence, "She mustered up a smile," you can lose "up".
The use of the word "retarded" might turn some folks off. Just thought I'd mention that...
I'll see about posting the first page of mine later today!
I certainly did not mean to imply a ten year unrequited crush was delicious!
That's the name of the story by the way. Delicious.
St. Paul’s Cathedral, June 1816
Just like the bloody man!
Alistair de Roche, Earl of Holyfield, sank into the rear pew of the Morning Chapel and loosened his cravat. Behind him, the shuffling footsteps and grumbling whispers of the guests echoed as they exited the cavernous cathedral. Thwarted in their hopes of witnessing the wedding of the Season, they’d have to find their amusement elsewhere.
No doubt in ripping the unfortunate bride to shreds with vicious speculations as to the reason her intended had failed to appear at the altar.
“Isn’t it just?”
Alistair nearly fell off the narrow bench. Though he could make out only the outline of a figure in the far corner of the dimly-lit niche, he recognized her voice instantly. Lady Louisa Bennett’s husky yet dulcet tones were unmistakable. And still had the capacity to make him hot and uncomfortable.
Never mind she was his best friend’s betrothed.
His best friend’s jilted betrothed.
He opened his mouth, attempting to frame a suitable response to her question, then closed it. Had he spoken aloud? He must’ve done. He tried again. “Grenville is a trifle unreliable.”
An understatement, surely.
Lady Louisa emerged from the shadowy recesses into the light streaming through a stained glass window set high in the wall. A rustle of silk and satin accompanied her movement. Bathed in the multicolored glow with her dark hair arranged in artful curls about her face and her large, round eyes glaring at him, she looked every inch a vengeful angel.
An angel with a form so lush and curvaceous, she could tempt a saint to sin.
I'd put the first line in quotes, though, because surely he isn't so addlepated (Regency crit!) that he doesn't know when he speaks aloud. And cut the business about him wondering whether he did. It makes him seem gob-headed. Unless the hero is meant to be pretty but dumb, in which case, carry on! I'd change that for a line about him being chagrined at being overheard by Louisa.
Also, why is she glaring at him? Does she blame him for her betrothed's failure to appear? If so, that'll come out in the next pages. If not, you might want to pick another word.
Being a jilt in those times is a HUGE deal. Grenville (the cad!) may as well have ruined her on the park lawn. Poor darling is all but unmarriagable now.
GREAT first page. I love it (and see why you said you love the story).
As for whether she blames Alistair for her betrothed not showing up, well, he is the best man. Isn't making sure the groom arrives part of the best man's job? (Not that I wrote that clearly into the story, I realize now.)
I'm glad it made you want to read more, though. That is SA-WEET!
I'm already sitting at nearly 5,000 words, BTW. That's gotta be record production for me, especially since I'm a) working, b) still revising my other mansucript, and c) taking care of small fry #3, who has been home the past two days with a gnarly cough.
My biggest fear now is staying UNDER 15K. I have a fair amount of story to go with the sex (although I have quite a bit of that, too!)
I took all your comments into consideration and fixed the first page. Worked off the crit from Carrie last night and this morning until I felt it was as shiny as it was gonna get. Sometimes you can tinker the life out of a piece and remove all the charm of your unique voice.
So I wrote a short letter to accompany it and shot Be Delicious off EC about half an hour ago. Apparently my muse will work on spec. Who knew?
Any chance you'll share the cover letter? I'm curious if you wrote a mini-query or what...
Here's my cover letter:
___________________________________
Dear Editors,
What if the man you'd wanted your whole life was about to marry your best friend? I'd like to offer you a look at a fun, sexy contemporary quickie, especially written for the Naughty Nuptials line. Take the movie My Best Friend's Wedding, throw in a dash of Friends, a few twists, a lot of lust, and you have Be Delicious. The story is complete at just over 12K words. I hope you enjoy it.
I have a degree in English Literature, and I've been writing for about ten years. As for my writing resume, I sold two historical romances in 2002, and one was nominated for the Romantic Times Best Small Press Romance award. In 2003, I released an epic fantasy novel with Del Rey. Now I write erotic romantic comedies for Loose Id, and I'd love to write for Ellora's Cave as well.
As requested on the submissions page, I am attaching the story with pertinent contact information. Thanks so much for your time and attention. I look forward to hearing from you.
Best,
___________________________________
I don't say that's the best anyone can do, but I've found brief is better. Less chance you'll screw things up and convince them you can't write, so they just move on to reading and the story stands (or falls) on its own merits.
I'm just shy of 6,000 words today. And if you really want to read more...well...I could probably be persuaded to send it to you when I'm done.
That's more or less what I did. I have a "template" for queries now. First paragraph about book, including hook, genre and word count, second paragraph about me and my writing, third paragraph thanking them and signing off before I start rambling about the time I got run over by my own car.