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Wherein I ramble about books, movies,
music, TV shows, my life, and occasionally, hot emo boys.
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Thursday, October 18, 2007
T13
Before you condemn me for this list, I present the following article. Can you imagine America's commander in chief enjoying this kind of humor? Why, it's a US tradition! One that goes back a long way, apparently.
Anyhow, enjoy the jokes.
1. One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.
She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The salesman says, "I'm blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."
So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She's amazed at how cheap that is.
So then she picks up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." She decides that's also really cheap, so maybe she can afford the best in the store.
Next she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70."
She tells him she'll take it.
As she's getting the pole rung up, she has to fart really, really bad. She decides since the man's blind and can't ID her, it doesn't matter if she farts in front of him so she just lets loose.
All of a sudden the man says, "Your total is $80."
Confused, the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."
He answers, "It is. It's $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."
2. 2 Blokes (Japanese and American) are playing golf. The Japanese guy is getting ready to tee off and suddenly starts talking to his thumb.
American bloke says: "What you doin?"
"Oh, don't worry, with Microtechnology I had a Microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message."
The 2 men carry on golfing, but all of a sudden the American man makes a funny sound, that amazingly sounds like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. "Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax."
3. A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tomorrow. The wife, understandably is angry as fuck, and says: "One day, honey, you're gonna fart your guts out."
The next Sunday, as wife is preparing a turkey for lunch, Hubbie falls asleep. Wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and stuff 'em in the boxers her husband is wearing. She then goes back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband comes to the dinner table looking very frightened.
"What happened?" asks his wife.
"Well," the man says, "you were right. I farted my guts out."
"Oh no!" the wife exclaims. "What'd you do?"
"Well, with the Grace of God and these two fingers, I got 'em all back up in there!"
4. A bloke is taking a piss down a lane when a Copper spots him. "Oi Guvnor, you can't do that here!!! It'll cost you a 45 quid fine."
The bloke gives him a 50 quid note and the Cop says: "But I haven't any change."
"No worries, you can keep it," says the bloke..."cos I dropped a couple of farts as well."
5. How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.
6. "Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife one evening, "I'm in the mood for something different. Let's swap positions tonight."
"What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."
7. What is Green and Smelly? Hulk farts...
8. What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.
9. A man goes to visit his doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a rather embarrassing problem, my farts just don't sound right."
"Well, how do they sound?" inquires the doctor.
"They make a HONDA sound."
The doctor looks puzzled. "Hmm, is there anything else I should know?"
"Well, I also have a terrible boil on my arse," replies the man.
The doctor looks pleased. "That's it then. We'll lance that boil and you'll see a difference immediately."
"Why's that then, Doc?" asks the man.
"It's well known," laughs the Doctor, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
10. One day around Christmas time, an Avon lady was soliciting her products in an apartment building. She had just got on the elevator to go to the top floor when she had an overwhelming urge to fart. Seeing as how there was no one else in the elevator she decided to let it rip. It was the most intensely disgusting fart she had ever smelled. She quickly sprayed a new pine scented air freshener with the intent of covering up the smell of the fart.
An older lady got on at the next floor, turned very red in the face and quickly got off on the next floor, so she decided to spray a little more of the air freshener. Two floors later a drunk man got on but did not seem overly distracted by the smell.
She took the opportunity to advertise her product. She said, "Excuse me sir, but I’d like to ask you what you think of our new line of Christmas Scent air fresheners?"
He sniffed the air intensely, hiccuped, and said, "Smells to me like somebody shit a Christmas tree."
11. What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
12. What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
"You are the wind beneath my wings."
13. And finally, what fart list would be complete without this? Oops, I Farted Again - the super flatulent mega-hit!
EDIT: Bonus joke, best of the best! In order to get the full effect, you must imagine it's being told by your extremely genteel grandmother (As related in comments by Kelly McCrady):
Queen Elizabeth was out riding with a friend, on a rather flatulent horse. On a slow part of the trail, her horse broke wind, and being the lady she is, she apologized.
The gentleman turned to her and said, "That's quite all right, Your Majesty. I thought it was your horse."
Admit it, you laughed at a couple of those.
Leave your link below!
Labels: Thursday 13
Happy TT!
LMAO. Sadly, her current image is more suited to this version of the song than the one that paints her as an irresistible seductress.
Nor sure what they says about me, but I LMAO. Then I peed. ROFL
Thanks for the grin. :)
Mostly I think the whole "feed your inner child" stuff is BS, but there seems to be some value in lightening up sometimes, lest we become all starchy and trapped inside a sense of what's "proper."
Thanks for all the music tips! I'm hitting iTunes this afternoon. :-D
And, thanks for visiting my TT!
Hehe. I'm really partial to #6, myself.
Gwyneth
I'd be in real trouble then.
Queen Elizabeth was out riding with a friend, on a rather flatulent horse. On a slow part of the trail, her horse broke wind, and being the lady she is, she apologized. The gentleman turned to her and said, "That's quite all right, Your Majesty. I thought it was your horse."
That one is AWESOME.
I'm editing my post right now to include it and link-crediting you.
That's hilarious, and even better when I picture a dignified old lady telling it.
*dies*
Demanding? Possibly.
Discerning?
Thanks for stopping by and happy (and fart-free) TT!
But in a good way.
Awesome jokes.
Thanks for visiting my fungi slideshowTT.
We're all 12 year olds at heart aren't we? Be brave Annie, isn't it about time a character in a book farted?
My DH has a tendency to relate his day's fart highlights. Right down to imitations of the best ones. Aren't y'all jealous that your husband isn't as interesting as mine?
41 --> just sayin'