Today, you lucky bastards, you get a free rant.

There's an online epidemic where people feel free to trash talk all over the place. I call it anonymosity. In real life, if you get in someone's face, you might well get your ass kicked. Or worse. Lacking the stones for a true confrontation, there's a breed of cyber warrior who will talk shit and then refuse to sign his / her name to it. Or even whatever online handle he goes by. Talk about cowardice.

I'm not going to repost the comments but you can look on Pub Rants yourself if you want. Toward the bottom, we get a bunch of jerkoffs going to town anonymously. I know this has been discussed before on various blogs, but I feel like saying it again. I don't care how full of shit I think you are, I will respect your right to state your opinion as long as you have the courage to sign your name (or handle) to it. Because then people can hold you to what you've said. I don't believe in lack of accountability. If you play according to this program, you have no need to be consistent, no need to be logical. Because you're anonymous, nobody can compare what you said today with what you said yesterday. I don't get this phenomenon.

What's it about? What's the point?

They hate the people that post on Pub Rants? See them as drooling sycophants? Okay, fine. But what's the point of getting on the blog and vomiting up all that hate? The cult of anonymosity is growing, folks. Please don't join. If you want to hate somebody, have the guts to own up to it.

Labels: rant

SPOTLIGHT ON ANNE CAIN

Here's the follow up to the cover art discussion from last week: When good art goes bad and how to stop it.

Anne Cain was kind enough to give me some time (thank you, Anne!) and as part of her interview with me, she offered some really interesting thoughts on design elements. It's a micro-workshop on knowing what looks good, so without further ado:

I think some concepts might not translate very well. Certain things just look...bad. Not to sound negative, but that's a fact no one can deny. Like colors -- there are some colors that just look awful no matter how good the artist's intentions are. Just off the top of my head, one color combo I don't like is egg plant purple and fire-engine red. That's bad, and any artist worth his or her color wheel should know that.

Sometimes a cover can have a great idea behind it, but the overall design doesn't really work. There are basic design principles graphic artists pick up on the job or at school, and those are really helpful tools when it comes to creating good 'flow' and a strong layout. I remember giving one of my profs a 'huh?' look when we spent a class just playing around with simple geometric shapes in Illustrator and arranging them in different compositions to see what works best. But it ended being a good learning experience, and I'm applying the same technical approach now. And art is a field where you're constantly learning and evolving -- getting stuck in one mindset really hinders the creative process so artists can't be afraid to try something different.

Ebook covers are just as versatile as those on print books -- what looks good on a bookshelf will usually look good in e-form. Authors do need to keep in mind that since the art is going to be shrunken down to thumbnail size (about 100px wide) on websites and blogs, a really detailed cover might end up looking too busy. So don't ask for too many elements in the cover art, or at least keep in mind your artist will most probably eliminate a couple of things to keep the art from looking too hectic.

That's helpful, I think. Extrapolating, the most important thing for an author to remember is not to ask for too many elements in the design or the cover will look busy. The sexiest covers I've seen tend to be very simple.

For instance, Bam declared this a hot cover of the week, sometime before the holidays and I completely agree. It's gorgeous.

As a final thought, I'm going to revisit April because she sent me some more interesting and important information after I ran the article last week. We were still talking about bad covers, and she had this to say:

Well ... part of it is what you mentioned before -- the skill of the artist (as well as the willingness of the publisher to pay for such). Anne and I both draw by hand when we're not doing covers. So do Christine Griffin, P.L. Nunn, L.W. Perkins, Will Kramer, and the like. The ability to draw by hand really does add a lot to the arsenal of skills, even if you work only with photographs or even sometimes with Poser. And the astute publisher will usually pay for that.

Unfortunately, most Poser artists get into using Poser to begin with because they're unable to draw and would like to be able to create art, especially that which features people. People are hard to render realistically, even if you CAN draw/paint by hand. There is not only the anatomy to consider but the ephemeral luminescence in the skin tones, the subtle facial expressions, etc. It's one of those things Irene Gallo, art director at Tor, really looks for in an artist. Anyone who can paint people realistically can pretty much do anything.

Now consider the hobby artist who wants to create realistic people art but who hasn't even attempted doing the same by hand ... or who HAS attempted it but doesn't do well at it and therefore doesn't bother any more. Poser becomes not only a shortcut to them; it becomes a replacement. In other words, they focus their time and their skills on that tool only. If they want to improve, they buy more textures, more props, more characters, or more clothes, or they upgrade their software, and then they pose their figures or organize their Poser libraries. That amounts to a lot of time, effort, and money on their part -- probably just as much time, effort, and money that I spend sketching, painting, shooting, or buying good stock photos and fonts. The point is, it becomes their entire arsenal of skills.

Why would they bother venturing away from Poser, then? As much work as it might take them, it still creates art so much more easily and realistically than if they did it by hand. So why bother practising other skills?

Then, of course, there's the pay. [Some e-pubs] pay as little as $25 per cover, which to an artist who might spend two or three hours on a cover (or a lot more) is really not much. The DAZ Victoria model, which is used a lot in Poser, costs more than that, and she doesn't even come with clothes or many hair props. I can't imagine what the average Poser artist pays for clothes props. Me, I don't even bother -- I usually paint the clothes by hand if I ever use Poser.

So the goal for any Poser artist who can't paint on clothes or a background is volume -- i.e., quantity not quality. To be able to pay for all the Poser stuff that they've bought, they must do as many covers as they can, and I think [some epubs] go for that because they need as many covers as they can get for as little money as they can get away with.

This is not necessarily a bad decision for a small publisher -- perhaps they want to focus their efforts and budget on the editing of the books. So for them, perhaps the Poser artists fit their bill perfectly. Quick, cheap, and doable. Never mind that people don't like their covers; their goal is to put out as many books as they can each week, and to do that, they have to hire artists that are fast and cheap.

Which reminds me, there's a saying about business that one of my bosses once told me. You have the following: Fast, Inexpensive, and Good Quality. But in any one product or service you can have only any two out of the three; you can't have them all.

And there you have it. Yes, the companies churning out such dreadful covers probably know they suck, but you get what you pay for. Let's hope the money's going into the books.

See you next week!

Labels: Workshop Wednesday

Welcome to another exciting edition of random Tuesday.

random link -- Like Oddly Enough? Check this thing out for all the news that's fit to invent.

random update -- EC rejected my Quickie. No clue what I'll do with it, but I stand by the experiment and I still love the story. Moving on. Last night I got nervous because only one agent has Falling and I don't like putting all my eggs in one basket, so I sent out ten queries between midnight and 1 am. This morning I have two requests for fulls. And they're from two of the four I wanted most to respond well to the project. Go me! I haven't heard from my other two dream agents but it's only been eleven hours, for crying out loud.

random endorsement -- Check out Antigone Rising. I think you can still buy their CD at Starbucks and it's awesome. Sample em on their site if you don't believe me. And do you really need a reason to go to Starbucks?

Turns out I have a real weakness for movies like Clueless and Legally Blonde. I love a movie about a pretty, vapid blonde girl who figures out she has a brain in her head, after some wacky shenanigans. I'm a sucker for a good shenanigan. Oddly enough I don't enjoy the "plain girl finds out she's hot when she develops some self-confidence" stories as much. I think it's because, if I have to pick one, I want everyone to be smart because it makes them much more interesting to talk to. What's your guilty pleasure?

Was that random enough for you?

Labels: Random Tuesday

I've noticed something about myself, something I need to work on. You see, I get crushes on blog sites. Like I think they're so funny and so cool and I have to read every day. Because they agree with me, I think they must be the smartest people on earth. But one day (and it always happens) these blog sites I used to love, well, I fall out of love with them. Feet of clay, I'm telling you.

Sometimes it's because they post some opinion so heinous that I'm shocked out of my love fest. It's happened lately, too. The shine doesn't rub off gradually; it's just knocked the fuck off. And sometimes I just sort of fall out of love with the site. It doesn't come up with as much interesting content, the updates are slow, the jokes begin to seem stale. I'm not gonna name names or anything, but I know it's really over when I start looking hard at my blogrolling list and thinking, "You know you never go there anymore, time to take that link off."

That may seem a little anal but I do actually remove links from blogrolling because if I put em on there, it's an endorsement. You will find something worth seeing if I decided it was worth adding. I imagine these blog "exes" sending me emails like real exes "We noticed you took our link off, I thought we had something. If you could just tell us why it's over, we thought everything was fine..." And then I giggle a little and remind myself nobody else gives a shit. Don't worry, babies, if your link is still up there, I still love you.

Moving on.

Let's talk about stupid shit in books that will make me hurl it, close it, or not even buy it in the first place. Topping the list is "destined mate" and "meant to be" stories. I'm so fucking sick of those that I want to put a spoon through my eye socket everytime I see another one. They're just all over the place. Haven't these authors ever heard of free will? I personally think it's a hell of a lot more romantic for a couple to fall in love and choose to be together forever. I mean, if I were science minded I could invent a device that would brainwash some hottie into being my sex slave, but would it mean anything? Fuck no.

Writers, please stop telling this tired tale. Please stop writing about fated lovers. That ship has sailed. Take up paint by numbers. Knit a hat. But please, please, stop inflicting this tired shit on me. I read a lot, I read almost anything, but I will NOT read this crap ANYMORE.

Along those same tired lines, I am sick to death of the prophecy device, always used in conjunction with vampires. "According to an ancient prophecy, Elmindreda will marry the King of the Vampires, for she is the reincarnation of Lucien's lost bride." Bitches, please. You are not Bram Stoker and Mina Harker wants a new bag. Please stop writing this. Please. Why is there a vampire king? Who elected him? If you must write about vampires (which is deader than dead), give it a new spin. No more prophecies, fated lovers, or reincarnated brides. Please. I'm begging here. I'd like to go another step and beg for no more vampires, but I know that's pushing it. Ya'll just love your undead humpers, don't you? Why, I have no idea. But then I hit the curve way early, back in my college days when I was all Goth wannabe and playing White Wolf The Masquerade with dorks who thought I wrote the book on hawt. There's a benefit to rolling dice with dweebs. The ego boost is worth its weight in gold.

And I'm spent. Feel free to chime in, you know where.

Labels: SBD

I get a lot of my ideas from Reuters'Oddly Enough. There's a scene in Your Alibi that came from a piece about penguins stranded on an highway after an accident. A major conflict in Good Touch comes from a group in Michoacan that calls itself The Family, also straight from the papers. On Sept 6 2006, they deposited five severed heads in a taverna with a sign that read: "The family doesn't kill for money. It doesn't kill women. It doesn't kill innocent people, only those who deserve to die." The Family claims to be fighting the Milenio Gang (allied with the Sinaloa Cartel) and the 30 Gang, who have turned their home state into the murder capital of Mexico. The Family also says, "Perhaps at this time people don't understand us, but we know that in the most affected regions, they understand our actions," it said, adding "people who work at any decent activity have no reason to worry."Is it possible they're really the good guys? There's a lot you folks in the states don't know. I guess you'll just have to read Good Touch.

So on that note, I'll be culling a headline once a week, something that I intend to use in a story. Here's one for today's Odd Friday.

BEIJING (Reuters Life!) - A Chinese thief has returned a mobile phone and thousands of yuan he stole from a woman after she sent him 21 touching text messages, Xinhua news agency said on Monday.

Pan Aiying, a teacher in the eastern province of Shandong, had her bag containing her mobile phone, bank cards and 4,900 yuan ($630) snatched by a man riding a motorcycle as she cycled home on Friday, Xinhua said, citing the Qilu Evening News.

Pan first thought of calling the police but she decided to try to persuade the young man to return her bag.

She called her lost phone with her colleague's cell phone but was disconnected. Then she began sending text messages.

"I'm Pan Aiying, a teacher from Wutou Middle School. You must be going through a difficult time. If so, I will not blame you," wrote Pan in her first text message which did not get a response.

"Keep the 4,900 yuan if you really need it, but please return the other things to me. You are still young. To err is human. Correcting your mistakes is more important than anything," Pan wrote.

She gave up hope of seeing her possessions again after sending 21 text messages without a reply.

But on her way out on Sunday morning, she stumbled over a package that had been left in her courtyard only to discover it was her stolen bag. Nothing had been taken.

"Dear Pan: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Please forgive me," a letter inside said.

"You are so tolerant even though I stole from you. I'll correct my ways and be an upright person."

Doesn't that just make you feel all warm and squishy inside? She touched the heart of the thief who stole from her. That has romance written all over it. I get all shivery, thinking about the kind of bad boy who steals for a living but is still redeemable... mmm. Anyway.

Sorry there was no review for Thursday, but nobody sent anything! I can't review them if you don't send em. We'll try again next week, so tell your friends.

SPOTLIGHT ON APRIL MARTINEZ

After our discussion on bad ebook covers, I emailed a couple of cover artists whose work I admire to find out the inside scoop. April Martinez was kind enough to give me a little time (thank you, April!), so first I'll offer the links she provided, which you may find edifying.

An Interview with April
Busy, busy
April Blogs
April Blogs Again

Go read. I'll wait.

Okay, now we're armed with closer to the same knowledge, we can move forward. I have other info to share. I asked (in a stupidly open-ended question), "What works?" In other words, I requested her secret in creating such gorgeous covers. She replied:

People are always telling me that light blue covers don't sell or covers with no people on them don't sell, but my royalty reports tell me different. There are too many variables in the sale of a book to really determine what works best.

So there isn't a hard and fast rule. One thing she said, however, addresses the burning question of "When ebook covers go wrong, whose fault is it?"

The author's request is usually my main directive. I try to give the author EXACTLY what they want, and the only times I don't is if there's a middle man involved -- perhaps, for instance, the person assigning the cover to me -- who wants something completely different on the cover. Too many chefs, and all that, but if one of those chefs ships me my check, then they get a say, too. Not always an easy or my favorite situation, but I do what I can to please everybody.

I'm extrapolating here: the cover art request form is generated by the author, but in most cases, the publisher foots the bill, so if they think something won't sell, they have the final word. In traditional publishing, the author (unless they have lots of clout) will have very little control over their covers, though they too fill in an art form. In the ebook world, it appears to be a three-prong decision-making process. The author fills out the cover art request form, the cover artists receives it, management and author receive the art for approval. Changes or revisions may be requested. Probably varies from house to house, how much use the publishers make of their veto.

My conclusion is that some authors don't have a very good eye for design. They want a spaceship and a starfield and blasters being fired and two specific humans with ritual scars and piercings, an iguana on the hero's shoulder, and a stuffed hedgehog under the heroine's arm. Is it the cover artist's job to say: dude, your cover is going to look like shit warmed over if I follow this spec. April says she tries to give authors exactly what they want, but if they want too many elements, she'll quietly reduce the busyness in the design. The artists whose covers we love probably do the same, but I'm sure there are others that just do what they're told (even when it's hideous) because they're making relatively little money for each cover and they do better financially through mass production. Maybe the publisher shrugs and says, Joan Q Author likes it, let's roll with it or looks at the deadline and thinks, well, this was beat with the ugly stick but we don't have time and/or money to redo it.

I know there are authors who get overruled by management on their covers, so this doesn't apply to you. The rest of you, please use some common sense in what you ask for on your covers. If you don't, don't be surprised if you wind up on Smart Bitches or Bam getting snarked.

random link -- Try this thing out. Do you work in Academia? Pressed for time and need to publish? No need to fret! This will generate an essay perfectly documented (and absolutely meaningless). One professor of Physics actually used it and his article was published in about four journals before he confessed his article didn't mean anything. Isn't it amazing how we can write all the meaning out of the language while sounding terribly scholarly? Here's a sample.

Preconstructivist narrative and constructivism
Annie Dean
Department of Future Studies, University of Oregon

1. Burroughs and preconstructivist narrative

"Sexuality is intrinsically a legal fiction," says Marx; however, according to Reicher[1] , it is not so much sexuality that is intrinsically a legal fiction, but rather the stasis, and some would say the absurdity, of sexuality. Geoffrey[2] states that we have to choose between subcapitalist Marxism and dialectic discourse.

In a sense, Baudrillard uses the term 'the neoconceptual paradigm of reality' to denote the role of the poet as reader. Bataille promotes the use of structuralist libertarianism to deconstruct archaic, colonialist perceptions of society.

Thus, the premise of constructivism holds that context must come from communication. Marx uses the term 'precapitalist textual theory' to denote not narrative, but postnarrative.

In a sense, if the neoconceptual paradigm of reality holds, we have to choose between preconstructivist narrative and neodialectic discourse. The primary theme of Pickett's[3] critique of the neoconceptual paradigm of reality is the role of the observer as poet.

1. Reicher, F. (1973) The Expression of Defining characteristic: Constructivism in the works of Tarantino. Loompanics

2. Geoffrey, Q. V. S. ed. (1980) Constructivism, dialectic desublimation and socialism. Schlangekraft

3. Pickett, F. (1994) The Fatal flaw of Sexual identity: Constructivism in the works of Smith. Cambridge University Press

Don't I sound erudite?! Use it to bewilder your friends and colleagues.

random update -- Yesterday, the lovely and talented Deena updated Mercy. If you like urchin thieves, heroines in man-drag and mysterious knights, give it a read.

random endorsement -- Check out Manu Chao's original version of Bongo Bong. Not since Beck have we enjoyed such utterly senseless lyrics paired with a hypnotic beat. Robbie Williams can SUCK IT. Don't let him get away with covering this song. Manu Chao does it ten times better. RW doesn't have the cool or the accent to pull this off. Who the hell could imagine he's ever been in a jungle? Maybe the Rainforest Cafe. *Eyeroll* At this time, I also validate Beyonce's song Irreplaceable. I didn't used to take her seriously because she came from Destiny's Child and I was like, pfft, girl band. But I love that freaking song.

And that's it for Random Tuesday.

Labels: Random Tuesday

You know what's great?

Meeting a new person and having them ask, "So what do you do?"

You tell that person you're an author and they immediately say, "Oh yeah? I've thought about writing a book. I have this great idea..."

Everyone thinks they can write. Hell, everyone thinks they should write. It's an incredibly bloated market and these people who "have this great idea" don't seem to care that you've spent fifteen years honing your craft, improving your grasp of the language, your ability to plot, your use of foreshadowing and dramatic irony. Most of those folks don't know what dramatic irony is. They wouldn't be able to tell you what the six key elements of a story are (exposition, narrative hook, rising action, climax, falling action, denouement). They wouldn't know the meaning of most of these terms: allegory, allusion, foil, antagonist, archetype, situational irony, didactic character, 3rd-person limited POV versus 3rd-person omniscient POV, tragic flaw or unreliable narrator.

Hell, half these people don't even read books.

But why not write? Anyone can write.

Not just anyone should, however. Stringing coherent sentences together is not at all the same as understanding how to tell a good story. I realized this when I was working as an acquisitions editor for a small publishing company. I had to resign because the work submitted to me as "ready" for publication was literally strangling my own muse. The worst thing ever was a 'children's' book, a proposed series of a spunky little girl who solves mysteries in her neighborhood. Sounds good, right? Well, by the way, the little girl is assisted by the spirit of her talking dog. The dog couldn't talk when it was alive, but when her father murdered it, something in passing over made its ghost able to communicate. Nifty, huh? Oh and by the way, her father also rapes and molests her repeatedly, not as part of the plot, but just as a by-the-way sort of thing. But nothing can get this spunky little girl down! I almost hurled. This was supposed to be a kids' book. I am not kidding.

I'm tired of people thinking they could sit down and do my job. Do what I've spent years learning how to do. Who thinks they could be a doctor after watching ER? Who considers picking up spare income by moonlighting as a private eye after watching Monk? It takes serious effort to get good at this. Hard work does pay off, yes, but how many of those people who "have this great idea" actually set pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard)? But they're sure they could if they only had time.

Well, guess what? That's part of it. Prioritizing it as something you do, every day, because you want to and because you love it.

But what do I know? Anyone can write.

(This rant brought to you by the letter G and the number 5.)

Labels: SBD

The Zodiac Series Virgo
Fateful Fieldtrip
by Emma Bruce

First, let me say, Fatefield Fieldtrip received a DNF from me (did not finish). It begins with a schoolteacher about to puke from walking through the Birth tunnel at a museum. That was pulled right out of a Monk episode! Now, okay, I admire the decision to keep the hero so down to earth; I love that he's not a jet pilot or a movie star or a billionaire tycoon. But I really don't want to read a story that starts with someone getting sick. I valiantly soldiered on, but on page eight, when the heroine breathes, "It was meant to be", regarding their meeting (when mighty Tim was about to hurl), I almost gave up. I just can't get into a pre-destined vomitacious love stories.

Valiantly, for your sake, dear readers, I kept at it, in case this mangy dog turned into a winning pony. Well, on page nine, the heroine unsnaps her bra, watches her breastises pop out, wondering: "Why does she want him to see these? Why does she want the rough-and-tumble coach with the sexest smile she'd ever seen to bend down, kiss, lick and then, God forbid, chew?" Okay, honey, let me help you. It's called your SEX DRIVE. That's why you want him to play with your goodies. Although why she'd be overwhelmed with lust for a guy about to puke, I have no freaking idea.

Oh wait, yes I do! BECAUSE IT WAS MEANT TO BE. I bet my fated perfect lover is picking up trash on a highway somewhere in an orange jumpsuit. Oh fie, wicked, wretched fate that has kept us apart for so long because, y'know, I'm not in JAIL.

I soldiered on until he found her washboard like G-spot and fingered her until she was pliant and cooing. That was where I gave up. It's a dog. If you buy this book, let it be for the Keira Ramsay story (and don't blame Ms. Ramsay for this thing).

Moving on...

Blink of an Eye
by Keira Ramsay

Cassidy is a war widow before she ever became a wife, but she's thrown herself into running the diner and tries not to think about her loss. When a young airman comes into her restaurant, battle-scarred but irresistible nonetheless, she thinks maybe she'll give him a tumble. After all, women do have itches that need scratching. I appreciated that down-to-earth quality about her. So many heroines whinge and moan about fucking somebody. It was refreshing to have a woman take one look at a guy and decide to act on it.

With his injury and his little boy charm, Scott certainly made it easy to understand why Cassidy would be drawn to him. His torment regarding what he's seen and done renders him deliciously vulnerable and in need of a woman's touch. He's also a bit lost regarding his place in the world. The Air Force was everything he knew, everything he ever wanted, and now he's been stuck on a desk job because he's no longer physically able to do anything else.

Ms. Ramsay writes about military personnel with authority (that's uh-thor-uh-TIE to all you Cartman fans). There's an unmistakable sense of verity in her words, and the reader is left with no doubt that she knows her way around the armed forces.

The chemistry between them was explosive and the sex was smoking hot -- she writes the down and dirty exactly the way I like it. One line was just rawr. Cassidy has demanded he do something and we're in Scott's POV. His mental response is, "So, like the good soldier he was, he followed orders." Now ordinarily men in uniform don't do it for me, but something about that phrase...daaaaaaamn. Tell me that doesn't kick your imagination into high gear, the idea of a hardened veteran standing ready (yeah, I punned repeatedly, sue me) to receive your commands. Mmmm.

("Take out the garbage!" "Ma'am, yes, ma'am!" Ha! Caught you being dirty, didn't I?)

Because it was a novella, things moved a little bit fast for me. I'd call the pace breakneck in fact, and I wished more than once that the author had expanded the story, given it the slow, delicious build they deserved. There's a lot happening in relatively few pages and I wanted to read more. I was aggravated when I got to the "Four years later" part at the end. I felt cheated; I wanted to read about how they got there. So honestly, that's my main complaint. Too damn short.

I love this author's writing. In fact, her style reminded me quite a lot of my own. There was one line we had in common, almost verbatim, though I know for a fact she's never read Guide. I could bemoan my own lack of orginality, but instead I'm going to say, Great minds think alike and feel all squishy about it. Great novella, but I prefer something I can really sink my teeth into. You hear me, Ms. Ramsay? Write longer books!

Feeling brave? Your review could be here next week, so hit me up. And that's all for today. See you next time!

Labels: Ebook Thursday

We all know how important first pages are. They often make the difference in whether someone is drawn into the story or decides they're not interested after all. So it's pretty crucial that we get good at recognizing whether our first pages have enough oomph to hook our readers.

And that's why today's topic is polishing first pages. I'm going to post my first page from the EC challenge story and you all tell me whether I've done enough to make you want to read on. Don't pull your punches either; I can take it. This workshop also includes an open invitation to post the first page of your current WIP and get an open crit of what you need to improve.

Ready? I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

One

She really should be over him by now.

Aileen Horne tugged at the wretched pink confection that showed off too much of her upper arms, making them look about three feet long. She didn't belong in taffeta and tulle. In her opinion, nobody over the age of six and not performing in a ballet recital should be required to wear such a getup.

But what Holly wanted, Holly got, which was why everyone was in full wedding regalia during dress rehearsal. All Holly needed to do was toss back her shiny blonde hair, offer her Colgate smile, and nobody noticed her asking for the moon. Just like nobody objected to getting all dressed up for her wedding, not once, but twice.

The other bridesmaid didn't appear to mind, but then she was petite and cute. "Can you believe it?" Lulu bounced beside her. "They're actually going to do it."

Holly's mom dashed by, mumbling about the florist and the caterer. It hadn't been a cheap wedding, Aileen knew. Holly's dad sat looking faintly queasy in the front row, while the organist tested out the wedding march. He'd be giving away his little girl soon.

Dum-dum-de-dum... Yeah, Aileen was dumb all right. No guy was worth ten years of unrequited devotion, no matter how delicious.

She mustered up a smile. "I know. First to take the plunge. You'll be next."

Lulu shook her head, grinning. "No way, I'm never getting married. You guys will always invite me over for holiday dinners and stuff, right? My parents are usually in Guam or somewhere retarded."

Aileen's smile became real, knowing Lulu counted on them for stability. Being an Army brat carried certain disadvantages. "Absolutely."

random writing link -- This thing will kick your ass. The pictures make it utterly speshul, though. Sometimes they're delightfully inappropriate. Even comes with a warning:

Disclaimer: The shots within the plot are selected by a computer (as is the plot). No suggestion is claimed or should be inferred that any person(s) in the shots relate in any way to the story. For example if the story happens to be about a gay jedi knight and YOU just happen to be in the photo that comes back from Flickr, this does not necessarily mean you are either a) gay or b) a jedi knight (but you could be - that's up to you). This is simply a work of fiction. DO'NT take it too seriously!

random update -- I finshed my EC Challenge story and will be sending it to Lovely Carrie Lofty for a crit soonish.

random endorsement -- go see Stranger than Fiction. I can't get the damn movie out of my head, and it's been three days. Will Ferrell can act, who knew? The chemistry between him and Maggie Gyllenhaal is astonishing and poignant, and the film is funny, thought-provoking and marvelously layered. Dustin Hoffman, Latifah, and Emma Thompson turn in powerhouse performances as well. This should be nominated for a bunch of stuff, for real. I also can't get this song out of my head (and you'd know why if you'd watched it like I told you to!)

That's it for random Tuesday, see you tomorrow!

Labels: Random Tuesday

corollary: A writer's ability to ignore everything but her WIP greatly impacts the ratio of projects completed.

Let's test my theory.

1. If you screw off with your kids all weekend, you:

(a) enjoy yourself
(b) strengthen the family bond
(c) encourage them to pester you ALL the time instead of some of the time
(d) all of the above

2. If you let yourself worry about all the irons you have in the fire instead of writing, you:

(a) psych yourself out
(b) get nothing done
(c) panic over impending deadlines
(d) all of the above

3. If you start thinking about the editors and agents who are currently reading your work when you should be writing, you:

(a) scare the piss out of your muse
(b) have an anxiety attack
(c) decide you should be serving pie at Shoney's instead
(d) all of the above

The answer to each is, of course, all of the above.

Don't think. Just write.

Labels: SBD

Who's in?

I know Jacq and Lainey said they were going to try a story. Mine's halfway done, and I'll need someone to crit in about a week or so. Takers? (15K max)

The Black Dragon
by December Quinn


First of all, let me say that the cover doesn't come close to matching the mental image that formed of Gruffydd as I was reading The Black Dragon. Second, I have to confess, that while I try to bring an open mind to all books I review, I was fully prepared not to like this book. Medievals are not really my thing; I glutted myself with them several years ago, reading such titles as The Taming, Honour's Splendour and The Prize. So it takes a good deal to interest or engage me in this subgenre of historicals. However, DQ is a friend, so my desire not to tear her a new asshole balanced out my dislike of the subgenre enough to provide a pretty level playing field.

At the start of the book, our intrepid heroine, Isabelle, begins by making a TSTL decision (by modern standards). However, in proper historical context, I could buy her ignorance and lack of self-preservation. She's not terribly appealing as a heroine, however, because she's self-involved, naive and very short-sighted. I hung in there, though, because I was hoping Ms. Quinn was setting me up for some Character Development. It also set up a meeting between the hero, Gruffyd and Isabelle, whom he saved from her own folly.

Flash forward six years, and there's been some trouble going on in the borderlands between the English Marcher lords and the Welsh. As a peace offering, the King decides to send Isabelle as a bride to one of the Welsh Lords -- Gruffydd naturally. Like any princess-bred lady, she can only think about leaving behind her home and family and the sweet, darling minstrel she's been flirting with. She doesn't want to go to Wales and Gruffydd doesn't want her there either because, you see, he has a big honking secret. I don't want to give up too much plot detail because of spoilers, but you get the idea, I think. Minor historical nitpick- it niggled me a little that Ms. Quinn chose to make Isabelle 21 for her wedding. If she was worried about offending modern sensibilities, then I think 18 would've been more true to the times, as historically speaking, a woman might well be married off by 13.

Otherwise, this book possessed a very true to the times feeling, meticulously researched. She didn't go out of her way to offer glimpses of the yucky parts of keep life (ooh, she's peeing in a bowl! or whatever) but there was a definite verisimilitude not present in many costume dramas. It's also definitely an old-school historical romance; as I read on, it actually made me nostalgic for old Jude Devereaux and Katherine Woodiwiss titles. There are burning loins, weeping feminine parts, and breasts crushed to manly chests galore. In places, Gruffydd actually reminded me a little of Rogan, from The Taming, though he never reached such assholeish levels.

Despite my misgivings, I was thoroughly charmed by around page 70 or so. I won't give away anything, but there were several laugh out loud sections, where Isabelle became delightful instead of irritating. She continued to grow on me as the book proceeded, and I forgave her earlier self-absorption because she realized she'd been that way. Good character growth!

The one passage that grated was where Gruffydd has an emotional moment with Isabelle and he confesses his secret pain, his secret shame. (Again, no spoilers). But it was, I felt, spoken in a manner entirely more overwrought and florid than I could conceive him using. While I could see him sharing it with her, I think it would be in a very bleak and controlled manner, as if expecting her to condemn him. It didn't seem consistent with his deft development that he would suddenly develop this hysterical mode of speech, even under duress.

In summary, I liked this book more than I expected. It made me nostalgic for romance's days of yore, and it delivered a few cozy hours of reading, easy to get lost in Ms. Quinn's fictitional world. This wasn't something I'd ordinarily read on my own; I'm drawn to darker, edgier stuff as a rule, but I did enjoy it and I do recommend it, particularly if you're looking for something that reminds you of Woodiwiss and old school Devereaux.

See you next week!

Labels: Ebook Thursday

Right now, I'm trying something different. I saw on Ellora's Cave Call for Submissions update for December, they're looking for "Naughty Nuptials" Quickies, due by Feb 1, coming out in June (June weddings, I get it). That's a complete story, 10-15K, with lots of sex, written to spec and centered around a wedding in some fashion. I've never done that -- taken someone else's criteria and tried to write a story to fit it. I have no guarantee they'll buy it, of course, but I was curious:

How malleable is my muse? Will she work on spec?

Lemme tell you about my process, so far. I had parameters, and I started thinking, okay, what would be a good wedding story? Quickly, it came to me; I wanted to do a "My Best Friend's Wedding" type thing, only I hated that ending. I figured, here's my chance to fix it!

After I had a general idea, I needed characters, so I started here. (Li'l plug for the Seventh Sanctum name generators. If you have a story idea, but you're a sucky namer or in a hurry, you'll find lots of help here. You can find a generator to suit just about any genre or purpose.) I played with that until I had six names that I liked and then I thought, okay, what about a FRIENDS type setup, adding to the BF Wedding idea? If they're very close, more like a family, then when two of them are getting married (and another suffers from unrequited love), that would be a huge honking deal. (Yay, conflict!)

So I went forth and started writing. It was a little weird at first because it was...an artificial idea? These weren't people already living in my head, begging me to write about them. They were people I planned into being, which if you're an organic writer, you'll know exactly what I mean. It's just different. But as I get to know them, I'm enjoying this. It's actually clipping along fairly well; I've finished over 5K in two days. I'm not sure how good the end result will be, because I never write short fiction. I don't know if I can succeed at this, but it's a valuable exercise, I think.

So how are your ideas born?

By overhearing a snatch of conversation? A dream? A piece of music? Do they have to come spontaneously or can you write on commission?

I challenge all of you to test your creative process and report back. Will your muse work on spec?

Labels: Workshop Wednesday

Random Title Generator

This thing is wicked cool. It has "adult" words programmed into it, so you get erotic titles along with those that could be used for fantasy, sci-fi, or literary projects. Some are just hi-larious, and after messing with it a bit, I picked my top 5.

The Kissing Predator
Totally see a big tough Alpha were starring in this. At the full moon, he shifts and goes stalking through the night... planting wet, sloppy doggy kisses on every good-smelling female he meets. Until he meets his ONE TRUE MATE. Cos can't all weres ID their bitches by scent alone?

Bride of Pleasure
Mmm, adult fairy tale. Retelling of the myth of Eros and Psyche, where a woman weds but she never sees her husband. He comes to her in the dark and does the most amazing things to her without ever speaking or showing his face. *fans self* Hawt.

The Erect Game
This one cracked my shit up. Harry has a monumental case of blue balls, but Sally won't let him come til she knows how long he can keep it up without ejaculating. Yep, call Guinness, they're going for the record.

Licking Cloud
This could only be a Cassie Edwards style story, named for the Indian brave who longs to shares his cunning linguist gifts with the big-breasted blonde Southern charmer, Belle Starr. He has watched her bathe her shapely calves in the river, oh these many weeks, until he can no longer resist the lure of her creamy skin and she does not wish to rebuff his wild, savage tongue.

The Purple Sex
Words fail me on this one. You go, talk amongst yourselves. (And post some of your favorites in comments, if you play with it.)

Labels: Random Tuesday

There are a lot of things I love about ebooks. I love that if I want one at 3am, I can whip out my credit card and get it, right then. Don't have to wait for the postman. Don't have to drive all the way across the city to the one English language bookstore (and hope they have what I want). I can get it RIGHT NOW. Since I'm not big on delayed gratification that's a huge selling point for me.

Love that publishers will take a risk with ebooks and you get amazing stories that would never in a million years have a shot in NY because they're edgy (see FINDING HOME) and because NY publishing doesn't push the envelope until epub proves that people will buy it. Just look at Ellora's Cave and the sudden number of erotic imprints. "Huh," they said in NY. "Looks like sex sells. Let's get some of that."

Here's what I don't love about ebooks. You can't hug 'em. Maybe that sounds dumb, but when I finish a really tremendous book, and I have that starry-eyed feeling like I've just been rewarded richly for my $6.95, I clutch that paperback beauty to my chest, sigh dreamily and make a mental note to buy this author again. There's no comparable ebook consummation, per se. You finish it, glowing and-- what? Hug your laptop? Your PDA? Now I like technology as much as the next person, but... c'mon. It's just not the same.

Next peeve...covers. Sweet Jesus, I've seen some that make my kittens cry. Seriously. They often perch on my shoulders while I'm reading and I'll pull some up on screen that literally make them mew in terror. Now some are just hot as hell; April Martinez does unbelievable work. Mostly I'm talking about bad Poser covers. Don't get me wrong; it's possible to do a really good one, but many of them are anatomically improbable, plastic looking, whatever. Sometimes less is more. Maybe the artists are asked by the authors for unreasonably difficult images? I don't know what the problem is, really, but why don't they KISS?

I'm not a cover artist by any means; I don't claim to have mad Photoshop or Poser skills. I can't generate my own art, but I made these "covers" for my serial stories in less than an hour, using a Click Art collection (that's about 20 CDs full of generic art) and Photoshop.



So maybe I'm not a pro, but I can cobble together something that doesn't scare my cats. I happen to think the one for Mercy is pretty damn good, myself, and the one for Loser's Waltz (which was updated today) isn't bad.


Maybe those who scoff at ebooks would take them seriously if the covers weren't so skeevy. So what's the solution?

Labels: SBD

Sweet Christ.

It's almost two in the morning and I am compelled to blog. When Terrie Figueroa of RRT sent out of the list of ebooks available for review last night, I saw FINDING HOME on it by Lauren Baker and Bonnie Dee. I immediately shot off an email, begging for the chance to review. But I was so tantalized by the blurb and the excerpt and the cover and the concept...well. I bought it myself. Tonight. I couldn't wait to find out whether I would be the chosen reviewer, couldn't wait to read it.

And I just tore through it with the most rapacious glee.

This isn't a review, per se. This is my stunned and blissful reaction, raw and unedited.

FINDING HOME is the most beautiful book I've read this year. It possesses a haunting, visceral power, and this writing team produces seamless, utterly lyrical prose. It is rich and textured, gritty and real as life itself is real. From the beginning, even the exposition felt like foreplay, fleshing out a passionate, poignant and utterly forbidden relationship with delicacy and slow subtlety that made me want to weep and clench my fists. Each glance possessed the heat of a dying sun, each kiss left me breathless. Much like Megan, I was in love with Mouth from the first moment I saw him leaning against the brick wall, smoking a cigarette with sensual grace.

I LOVED this book. Words fail me as to how much.

Rarely, because I am secure in my own gifts as a writer, do I close a book and think, "Christ, will I ever write anything this good? Will I ever move anyone this much? I wish I had written this."

This is one of those rare occasions.

If you read one ebook this year, let it be FINDING HOME. And just ache with the pure, agonizing beauty of it.

Whew. News. I'll try not to leave anything out.

While I was away on vacation, Deena launched the Ann Aguirre site, and it looks fab. Check it out and tell me what you think! She also revamped the blog template (because I'm far too lazy to commit to more than one blog) so it blends with both designs. I'm blown away by how well she did that, so admire for a moment before reading on.

This year, I've committed to writing two different serial projects; that's a chapter a month. One is Loser's Waltz, a quirky romantic comedy that will probably be somewhere between novella and full manuscript length when I'm done. The second is called Mercy; it's a fantasy with romantic overtones. Right now, with two chapters completed, I don't know how long it will be, but it's aimed at being a retelling of Beauty and the Beast. So take a read. LW will be updated on the 7th; Mercy will be posted on the 23rd.

BIG news here. I'm changing agents. I've given notice and have other representation pending, although I can't officially accept an offer until January 12. Nothing is set in stone, of course, so I don't want to jinx things by discussing them prematurely. I will say I'm quite hopeful; her response to my query for Falling came in three and a half hours (a new record) and this agent (who will make you squee when you find out her name) asked for the full right from the jump. Here's a clue; she only asked for 54 full manuscripts last year. Random note on Falling. Someone emailed me, after having read the excerpt on my site, and asked where they could buy it. Just a random stranger. That has never happened before, and it seems like an indicator that this project is solid gold, red-hot or any other cliche of choice. I got a good feelin' about this. When and if I receive the offer I'm looking for, I'll post the particulars. Otherwise, I'm not going to write a lot about this decision, except to say it was hard to make, because having an agent gives you a feeling of security and accomplishment.

As I told my friend and crit partner (much love to Linnea, who should really win an award [other than the RITA] for all the support she's given me over the years) in an email: "I have this weird 'breakup' feeling. Like you know how you break up with a guy that you know wasn't right for you and the relationship wasn't what you were looking for, so intellectually you know it's for the best, but emotionally, you have this 'Oh no, what if nobody else ever wants me?!' feeling." But I can now say from experience, it's better to be the captain of your own fate than to be bound to a contract that limits your ability to sell a single word when nobody else is selling you either.

Now sometimes books just don't sell. You missed the window of opportunity; the market has changed, or the editors just don't connect with your story for whatever reason. If you're a reasonable author, you know it's not a good agent's fault. Communication is paramount, though, and when it breaks down...well. Take it from me. Be CAREFUL before you accept an offer. Check references; double-check the sales record and make sure of what the agent has sold personally. Talk to their authors before you accept a contract and read that thing over several times. Because I'm a doofus, I didn't and I didn't realize I couldn't sell novellas, short stories, nothing! unless it went through the agency. (And what agent sells short stories?) You probably don't want your hands tied that thoroughly, and you can ask for amendments to the standard agency contract.

All the talk about agents makes a nice segue to the next piece of news, actually. My switch was also prompted because I want to write romantica exactly as I choose, and it's a bit quirky for NY at the moment. I write in that genre out of pure love and as a break from my darker stuff, a mental palate cleanser if you will. I decided that I want to focus on my darker (and less explicit) stuff where NY is concerned, and I'll write romantica when I need a break. After a lot of consideration, I selected Loose Id as my preferred publisher toward that end, and they made an offer for Guide in about a week and a half. That stunned the heck out of me, as their site says it's more like two months in terms of response time. I've been assigned an editor, who will take my other books in this genre as I write them. As I said in an earlier post, I've been working on cover art requests (I hope I get April Martinez, I love her covers!), blurbs, hooks, and all the other good stuff. At this time, The Average Girl's Guide to Getting Laid has a tentative release date of May '07. Your Alibi should follow presently, as I completed revisions on it over the holidays. I'll publish all romantic comedies through them, going forward, including Free Lunch, which is currently just a twinkle in my eye. Recently I had a rather fun idea, though, about a high school reunion story as well. I want to write a bonafide nerd hero, you see.

More news.

I signed on with Romance Reviews Today to review ebooks for them. My commitment at this point will be 4-5 books a month. Don't worry; I'll still continue Ebook Thursday, so keep sending me your books. That's a total of 8-10 ebooks I've promised to read (and review) on a monthly basis, though, along with my regular writing and my serial projects.

As if all that wasn't enough, I'm also going back to school. I got my acceptance letter from Alliant International University today. They have a campus here in Mexico City. Years ago, I was working toward a teaching degree and I fell ill during student teaching. I couldn't afford anymore college, so I opted to graduate with a simple English Lit degree, despite all those wasted Ed classes. I can get my teaching degree through Alliant, however, and I intend to do just that. I like to finish what I've started. My goal is eventually to teach at the private academy where my kids go to school. Since it costs us like 30K a year to send them there, I'm going to get us a break on tuition via employment. (I hope.)

And I'm spent. That's it at present, but I'll keep you posted on breaking news. Here's to Lucky '07, where all our dreams come true.

Twice Upon a Road Trip
by Shannon Stacey



I'm not too sure about this cover. She looks like he paid $100 for an hour and he's grinning feverishly because he's about to see his first titty.

But forget the cover. First, let me say, I dug this book. Overall, I've found Ellora's Cave to be a mixed bag in regard to quality, but that's the case in print publishers as well because once you get beyond a certain standard, tastes are subjective. To be honest, this is the kind of thing I write as Annie Dean: a great blend of hot and funny, which can be tricky to pull off. Writing romantic comedy is tough without resorting to a lot of slapstick and stuff that is supposed to be funny but really isn't.

So the good stuff first; here's what worked for me. Jill Delaney is the family loser, the flake who can't balance her checkbook or hold a job, so everyone is pleasantly surprised when she sticks with this job at the library as long as she does. In fact, she loves her job and she's thinking she's found her calling. Might even be promoted soon, she figures, because she's great with the kids. Well, lo and behold, some senior citizen gets hired from out of town to take the job Jill so desperately wants. She goes off and quits, even though she can't afford it, and shit goes from bad to worse, real quick.

She figures this is all the old bitch's fault for stealing her job and her family just shakes their head because this is classic Jill behavior right there. Near the beginning, after she quits her job, she has an altercation in a supermarket parking lot (which is funny as hell) with Hottie Studmuffin, later revealed to be none other than our hero, Ethan Cooper. I loved the interplay between Jill and Ethan; they were just fabulous in the way they struck sparks in a "Moonlighting" kind of way and made me laugh, though I entirely believed their chemistry. Without giving away too much of the book, I'll say Jill decides to take a trip to get away from her shitty life but all she can afford is a senior citizen's bus tour, which Ethan and his mom (the bitch who stole Jill's job) happen to be on, just before she starts her new position. It's a classic Planes, Trains and Automobiles type road trip story, well written, sexy and fun. I do recommend it.

But.

(You knew there was a but, didn't you?)

Occasionally their trouble strains credulity and you pull back from the story and just sort of shake your head. Toward the end, it distracts from the fun and makes you go, "C'mon now..." but it's not enough to mar the book, overall. The other nitpick I had was that I never had any clear idea exactly how old Ethan's mom was. He treated her like she was one foot in the grave, the other on a banana peel, and yet she was still a working professional woman. I understood the motivations behind his uber-protectiveness, but something about the relationship never quite gelled for me. I loved Ethan, but the hero / mom dynamic was a li'l weird.

Still, flaws and all, I say check it out because it's hot, funny and I did enjoy it. The woman can write.

Your review could be here next week, if you're feeling brave. Hit me up.

Labels: Ebook Thursday

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack. Miss me?

First, I hope you all enjoyed the holidays, however and whatever you celebrate, and now I trust you're all ready to embrace the new year with all its challenges. You are? Fabulous!

Onward to the day's topic then. (No, I'm not going to re-tell the story about the escaped criminally insane guy who terrorizes young lovers making out on a lonely country road.)As I was skimming through blogs to see what I've missed over the past three weeks, I came across this post by Agent Kristin on Romancing the Blog. What she says about the importance of a good hook is certainly worth reading, but sometimes writers mix up hooks with simple plot devices. Miss Snark has been helping with the development of hooks for the crapometer as well, but she's asking for a hook in under 250 words.

Here, I'm going to do it a little bit differently. I sold Guide recently (more news on that in a subsequent post), so I've been working on book blurbs for it, which includes a hook (occasionally called a tagline). One of these needs to be fewer than two hundred characters (that's including letters and spaces!) At the most basic level, the hook is exactly what it sounds like: a twist that draws your reader into your story from the jump and makes him / her want to read on. You should be able to put your finger on what that would be, and if you can't, then maybe you've written a story that (eek!) doesn't have one (or needs a stronger one, something that pops). So for the purposes of this Workshop Wednesday, think about the book you just finished and then try to come up with a one-line hook that will make me drool.

Here's what I came up with for Guide:

Good girl gone bad -- anything goes in the name of research.

Is that the best I can do? You tell me. Does it make you want to read more? I'm still pondering since it can be hard to boil the premise of your book down to one killer sentence. Now you try! We'll talk about them in comments, and maybe we can help each other out.

Tomorrow, I'm reviewing Twice Upon a Road Trip by Shannon Stacey for Ebook Thursday. Stay tuned.

Labels: Workshop Wednesday