Ann Aguirre

Don the Kitten (that’s short for Don Quixote) says Happy Holidays. He was “helping” me wrap presents yesterday. His twin sister looks just like him; her name is Dulcinea (Dulce for short). And that’s it for me in ‘06. See you in ‘07, where I’ll pick up on January 3rd with the first Workshop Wednesday.

Until then:

May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white.

What’s this, you say? Is that a new holiday?

Well, yes and no, dear readers. To (try and) avoid boring crap on my blog, I’m working out a posting schedule. Smart Bitch Monday is already out there, so I’m adding a couple of categories to my own roster. Among them are Workshop Wednesday and Ebook Thursday. (Feel free to steal these umbrella headings for your own blogs if you want, the more the merrier.)

On Workshop Wednesday, I’ll pick some technical aspect of writing and blog about it and I’ll welcome samples in the comments to work on your stuff as well. This will range from query letters, writing hooks, a solid synopsis, plotting (a weak point for me, so maybe I’ll be asking you for help!) and much more.

On Ebook Thursday. I’ll post a review for an ebook I’ve read recently and I’m not talking about a popular mass market novel that I happened to download. I mean an ebook all the way, something that came from one of the indie houses. I’ll be the POD-dy Mouth of the ebook world, so if you’re an indie author and you have an ebook you want me to look at, just click on the “email me” button on the upper left. If you send it, I’ll read and review it, but I don’t promise to like it. This gig will cover the good, the bad, and the ugly. Feeling brave? Hit me up.

In honor of the first Ebook Thursday, I went on a buying binge last night and grabbed five titles at random from Loose-Id. Time for some independent quality testing. (What?! Yeah, I handled all of them in one night. I bitch-slapped Evelyn Wood and sent her home crying with my speed-reading.) So grab some chocolate or some eggnog and get ready to be entertained.

The Devil’s Triangle
by Alyssa Brooks

Heroine crash lands into Paradis, hidden in the Bermuda Triangle, where all the sexy people do is hump and fish and do it again tomorrow. Cheri is widowed (but we have no idea for how long) and she has a full grown son. She’s been dragging him around the world for years because she’s so adventurous. Poor dude is still a virgin at 21 (has serious squicky Mommy issues) and Cheri is saying she can’t have the mega-sex with the studly Gage because she’s married. Ok, WTF? Woman, I don’t care how much you loved him, if he’s dead you are not married anymore, unless this is a paranormal thang and the dude comes back. So Cheri is one of those heroines the author tells you is strong and just comes across as an annoying pain in the ass. The story is weak, the sex is tepid and Cheri says “Fudge” instead of “fuck” like a hundred times in the first ten pages. Can’t get on board with a 41 year old woman who says “fudge” cos she’s worried about corrupting her adult son. She also flips out because her baby likes the island and has THE SEX with some hussy. Gage is the only redeeming point in the book, the sexy black Rasta looking dude on the cover, and more because I like that genotype than because his character was well-written. I wouldn’t recommend this thing to someone waiting in a dentist’s office.

Truth or Bare
by Sally Apple

Ok, this book was weird. It read like it was written by a dude. There’s nothing wrong with that, but sometimes the scenes crossed the line from erotic to pr0n. One line that almost made me fall in the floor laughing was the hero, Mel inviting the heroine to just “slide right down the ole beanpole.” No joke. Any dude that asked me to ride him that way would get laughed out of the bedroom. As for the story, Melvin is a geek. I don’t want to spoil anyone who might wanna read about the ripped nerd in the tightie-whiteys on the cover, but basically he hooks up with his adopted aunt. If ya’ll want the squick factor, this book is all over it. His mom was adopted, she ran away, pregnant and in disgrace, when the heroine was ten. That puts our heroine ten years older than the hero, which can be cool, when it’s well done. This was… squicky, at best, and the sex with “beanpole” talk didn’t help much. So dear Mel looks up Auntie Laura and develops a giant bone for her. Laura is a freak-tastic sex doctor herself and she administers an herbal enema on darling Mel the first night he arrives. Mmm. I didn’t enjoy it, myself, but it was almost campy in its pr0n style writing and the sheer VC Andrews relationship going on. So maybe you freaky-deakies out there might enjoy it.

Sheriff in Her Stocking
by Cher Gorman

This book ripped me off. There’s a warning in it about how it’s BDSM and I might be offended by some kinky shit going on. I fully expected a big Alpha male whipping himself some girl-ass, I expected some serious submission after all that, but this was BDSM-lite. Bondage for Beginners. He bossed her around a little bit and that was all.

Next, she’s supposed to be a BBW, right? So the first time he sees her naked, she says, all timid, “You don’t mind how curvy my body is?” Woman, please. Now first of all, if you’re fat (and I am), you don’t go around saying shit like that. If the man has a giant hard-on and is groaning with the need to fuck you, then you should be pretty sure he wants what you got, however many pounds that is.

Another thing that annoyed me was they were trying to play this all multi-cultural, ooh, he’s Latino, she’s white, it’s all salsa-forbidden and shit. Well, I’m married to a Mexican national. I’ ve been with him for…ten years. I live in Mexico. And it’s really not that big an issue. It felt like the “barrier” was exaggerated to give it a boost, y’know? Plus they were in Montana. You’d think maybe all the redneck farmers woulda give barrio boy some shit, but no, he’s their sheriff and it’s all cool in this hick Montana town, and yet our heroine is supposed to be doubting the viability of a relationship with him because he’s “Latino”? Ok, that’s just dumb. If Jethro Q Rancher doesn’t care, why should you, oh-beauteous-curvaceous wonder? Another annoying thing: “Latino”. Is his family Mexican, Puerto Rican, Guatemalan, or from El Salvador? It’s not all the same place, y’know! Different slang, different cultures. Finally, the plot needed some real work. It had a Big Mis and then the silliest thing, a big prestigious store saw Hottie McBigbutt on the local Montana news and called to offer her a job in NYC. Huh? Yeah, and hookers marry Richard Gere, like, all the time. (I said Gere, not Charlie Sheen, dammit!) Still, her writing is pretty good, but I can’t endorse the story. Girlfriend needs to learn to plot better, and if she’s gonna promise bondage, somebody needs a sound whipping and a butt plug in the ass. Shiloh Walker knows how it’s done and so does Joey Hill.

Bittersweet
by Louisa Trent
Cover is shit, but don’t let it throw you. I loved this book. Loved her writing, loved the characters. Trudy is an elementary school teacher that badass cop Cameron mistakes for a hooker on the lam. After heroine in man-drag, mistaken identity a la North by Northwest and lately, Lucky Number Slevin, is my second-favorite plot device. Ms. Trent knows how to work some sexual tension, and she could teach Ms. Gorman a thing or two about sub/dom hawtness. This book didn’t come with a warning but it should have cos it’s smokin’. Children, don’t try these tricks at home. Or in public. You’ll get arrested. The only thing that bothered me-this book relied on “Failure to Communicate” for its chief conflict, but I still loved the hell out of it. When something works, it works. This does. Get yourself a copy of Bittersweet; Cam and Trudy are fab.

Love’s Alchemy
by Ciar Cullen
Hawt cover. Hawt writing. Great author name; if it’s her real name, she’s lucky and if it’s a nom de plume, she picked extremely well. Not a big fan of the title; it’s both stolen from John Donne and it sounds like one of those old school romances (Love’s Searing Flame, Desire’s Dripping Rash). But title aside, this book should be a bestseller, honestly. It should be out with one of the major houses alongside books like Requiem for the Devil. It’s just that good. She takes an interesting premise and turns it on its head. Imagine Alchemy is real and it works. Sir Isaac Newton, the Last Sorcerer, perfected the Philosopher’s Stone, and he used it to raise the dead, quietly create immortals to serve him. But Isaac was secretly a cake-boy and he fell in love with one of his creations. That’s our hero, Donovan Barlowe. He’s fantastic, a pretty boy in the style of LKH, but he’s not…well, y’know. Like that. Van loved Newton but not like he wanted him to. He never played hide the sausage with the Maker, despite all the burning glances. Enter our heroine, who is the reincarnation of Newton and the only one who can save the Immortals from the curse Newton himself laid on them with his dying breath. Only poor Sidra doesn’t remember that, and lately she’s been seeing demons, so she has other shit to worry about.

Man, that book was good. Two thumbs up. Hawt sex, great characters, great backstory, great writing, great story, great cover. It all works. Get this book and don’t stop until you’re done.

And that’s it for Ebook Thursday. Hope you enjoyed the show. As of Saturday, I’m a traveling wench, but feel free to stuff my mailbox with your ebooks if you think you have what it takes to make me love you.

A fellow reader was kind enough to email me a warning regarding this novel. She writes:

Mistral’s Kiss is not worth it. I’m not even sure it’s more than 5 hours from front to back and there is a more than 100 page sex scene. I gave up reading around page 50 and skimmed the rest of the book.

I guess nobody is surprised to hear “very little plot”, but I’ll admit to being startled at 100 continuous pages of sex. That’s foul and yet impressive at the same time. It’s like watching a hot dog eating contest (pun intended).

Curious, I went to Amazon to see what others had to say about Mistral’s Kiss. One reviewer writes:

The book opens with Merry and her men spending 7 chapters bringing the Unseelie gardens back to life. Of course, as this is LKH, this is done through sex.

Another reader says:

Merry is still acquiring men like a hound acquires fleas - her sex scenes are starting to seem like a Cecil B. DeMille movie with a cast of thousands, many standing about doing a whole lot of nothing.

Well, there you have it. Only a junkie would pay hardcover price for a book that everyone seems to agree is too short, plot-challenged, and lacking any emotional depth. You have been warned.

I’ve got a lot cooking right now, but I have to be hush-hush about the changes coming down the pike until the new year. Since I’m leaving Dec. 16 and I’ll be traveling through Mexico and the US over the holidays and won’t be blogging, I won’t have a hard time keeping my secrets. (Oooh, secrets!) Watch for breaking news in 2007.

Meanwhile, the mega-talented Deena Warner is working hard on another website for me. It’s for work that comes out under my real name, darker stuff, less sex, more angst, but always an upbeat ending if not a full blown HEA. Here’s a sneak peek:

Yes, that’s Jax, from Falling. How awesome is that?! She brought my vision of her to life magnificently. Other pages of the site are going to feature more of my leading ladies.)

Today I’m celebrating the serial novella I’m writing for your entertainment pleasure. Here’s the blurb, if you haven’t clicked on the freebie link before now.

Saralee Waltz is a waitress who once wanted to be a dancer. In her free time, she talks to her snotty Siamese cat and watches HSN, though she never buys anything. Vincent Losier is an alcoholic handyman who dreams of painting the Sistine Chapel. When he creates a misunderstood masterpiece on the side of Lucky’s Liquor, only Saralee will front his bail.

A series of bad choices have trapped them both at rock bottom in an Indiana town with the unlikely name of Eden. In lieu of repayment, she asks him to paint her house, an idea that has the conservatives up in arms. Threatened by the Welcome Wagon, the neighborhood association and city hall, these folks are determined to paint Saralee’s house, come hell or high water. And together, through acrylic and latex, bunt cake and pudding fights, they’ll realize that dreams have a way of winging over walls, and when the music’s right, even losers waltz.

My fabulous web designer (yay for Deena who just added blingy sparkles to the template!) just posted the second chapter. So check out Loser’s Waltz. It’s fun, quirky, off the wall, and best of all…free!

Riffing from SBTB, where they’re talking about LKH, the diva-rockstar of MarySue phenom, I offer a link to the Litmus Test.

Yep, that’s right, I ran my characters through the quiz to see if I was heading in that direction. You too can test your heroines (and heroes) to see if they’re too awesome for words (and make readers want to throw up a little in their mouths)! Let’s see how mine stack up:

Ellie Campbell, from The Average Girl’s Guide to Getting Laid (14)

11-20 points: The Non-Sue. Your character is a well-developed, balanced person, and is almost certainly not a Mary Sue. Congratulations!

Addie Alger, from Your Alibi (1)

0-10 points: The Anti-Sue. Your character is the very antithesis of a Mary-Sue. Why are you even taking this test?

Sirantha Jax, from Falling (12)

11-20 points: The Non-Sue. Your character is a well-developed, balanced person, and is almost certainly not a Mary Sue. Congratulations!

Corine Solomon, from Good Touch (27)

21-35 points: Borderline-Sue. Your character is cutting it close, and you may want to work on the details a bit, but you’re well on your way to having a lovely original character. Good work!

Whew, I need to be careful with Corine. She could go the way of Anita Blake or Merry Gentry if I’m not careful! I swear I will resist temptation; the men of the world will not sniff at her armpit sweat and drool with mindless lust. That, dear reader, is my pledge to you.

So how did the rest of you do?

10. Pose on the back of the cover, trying to look like my heroines.

9. Name any of my heroes Nick.

8. Write a heroine who makes TSTL decisions to compensate for my weak plotting.

7. Let a hero get away with treating his heroine like shit in the name of the “Alpha” archetype.

6. Accept a Fabio book cover without protest.

5. Use sexual euphemisms.

4. Employ the Big Mis in lieu of real conflict.

3. Utilize coitus interruptus more than twice in one book.

2. Write children who behave as though they are 35 year old insurance salesmen.

1. Fail to satisfy your prurient curiosity with a fade-to-black.

Poison Study
by Maria V. Snyder

(Sidenote - I like the new cover a lot more. This chick looks like she belongs on the cover of Seventeen and did not fit my image in any fashion of a woman who has been in a dungeon for over a year).

At the beginning of the novel, Yelena is about to be executed for murder, but she’s offered a choice by Valek, a sleek, amoral killer himself who heads up the Commander’s spy network. She can take the quick death or choose a slow death as the Commander’s food taster. Not being a fool, she decides to delay her demise and chooses to undertake the training as a poison taster.

Snyder writes well in first person, which can be difficult, and Yelena is a great character. The castle intrigue was well-done and I enjoyed the hell out of Valek. He’s like a combination of Snape from Harry Potter and the assassin from the Brust novels. Very cold, very inscrutable, and yet the reader thrills to imagine melting his reserve, finding out what’s really beneath that icy exterior.

The castle intrigue was extremely well done and the Commander was an interesting character. However, why did Yelena have to possess latent magical powers that kicked in anytime she was in trouble? (Aside from the fact that Ms. Snyder wanted to write a sequel called Magic Study.) The suspense became a touch tedious because you knew the time-slowing-down thingie would kick in and she would tingle all over, and then somehow her enemies would be vanquished, or she would have gotten away. Generally speaking (don’t want to spoil) I wish, for once, the poor orphan in fantasy would turn out to be a fucking orphan instead of being a long-lost prince or princess, or the member of some clan or other.

I enjoyed the book, but there were a couple other things that bothered me. I know it can be hard for fantasy writers to flesh out a romance while doing other things in the story, but this one turned on a dime. It felt mechanical, like the author decided, “This is the point where they must share their feelings,” so Valek tells Yelena she’s held his heart for weeks, and then they do it (the one sex scene in the book) in the dirty straw of a dungeon. The writer tries to gloss over that point, making sure the reader knows that the hide-the-sausage action is so transportive that the two principals don’t realize they’re in a smelly dungeon anymore, but…ehm…

Good book. Worth reading. But not without its problems. It started out strong, ended on a whimper, if you ask me.

Don’t even get me started on Magic Study.