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13 quotes from movies I watch over and over again

1. “I miss Elizabeth. I will always miss her. But I ache for Grace.”

2. “That’s Ren and Stimpy. They’re way existential.”

3. “Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.”

4. “They say most of your brain shuts down in cryo-sleep. All but the primitive side, the animal side. No wonder I’m still awake.”

5. “You made three mistakes. First, you took the job. Second, you came light. A four man crew for me? Fucking insulting. But the worst mistake you made…empty gun rack.”

5. “Hey, you, on the other side – let her go. Because for her I will cross over, and then you’ll be sorry!”

6. “Upset? Is that the word? I used to get upset. When I got a flat tire, when a plane was delayed. I used to get *upset* when the Yankees won the series. So if that’s what upset means, what am I feeling now? If you know the word, tell me because I don’t.”

7. “This place is a mausoleum. If I had my will, I would tear it down brick by brick.”

8. “There is a war coming. Are you sure you’re on the right side?”

9. “I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!”

10. “So you didn’t want to kill a kid. Welcome to the human race.”

11. “Okay, here’s the deal, meatball: You let me go, I let you live.”

12. “You just said you love me, now if I say I love you and just throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may and you’re lying to me, I’m gonna fuckin’ die.”

13. “Miss Pascal, I’ve been odd. I know I’ve been odd, and I know that there are many forces at work telling me to bring these down here to you, but I brought these for you because… I want you.”

How many can you guess?

Add your link below!

T13


13 comments about my urban fantasy

So I have a new crit partner. Her name is Angie Fox, and she writes for Dorchester. Her fantastic debut, The Accidental Demon Slayer, comes out next summer. The book is described as, “Mary Janice Davidson meets Julie Kenner in this hilarious paranormal romance.”

What’s more, she has a blurb from Stephanie Rowe: “Angie Fox has penned a hilarious, high-octane, paranormal caper. The Accidental Demon Slayer is a highly original frolic filled with brilliantly created characters, countless magical surprises and marvelous plot twists.”

Here’s an interview where she talks about this book, which one agent said “does for witches what Shaun of the Dead did for zombies.”

To take my mind off the latest mystery making the rounds with agents, I decided to write something completely different, a funny paranormal romance where I could build my own world and make up my own rules. I fell in love with the idea of a preschool teacher who is forced to run off with a gang of geriatric biker witches and THE ACCIDENTAL DEMON SLAYER was born.

Instead of a 20-page plot outline, I had a 5-page list of ideas, one of which included “but little did they know, all the Shoney’s are run by werewolves.” Instead of following the rules, I broke a few. Instead of painstakingly writing over the course of a year, I giggled my way through the book and had a complete manuscript in five months.

How awesome is that?! And I get to read it before any of you. Mwahahaha!

EDIT: Angie has had an unbelievable day! So I’m adding two more blurbs she’s received today.

“A demonically delightful paranormal romp. I didn’t want it to end!”

–Michelle Rowen, author of Fanged & Fabulous

“As hilarious as it is thrilling, THE ACCIDENTAL DEMON SLAYER by Angie Fox is one “h-e-double hockey sticks” of a ride.

Like grandma on her hog, I tore through this book at a break-neck speed and loved every minute of it. Quirky characters and hilarious situations make THE ACCIDENTAL DEMON SLAYER by Angie Fox a devilishly, wicked-fun ride.

Angie Fox “kills” with the humor and quirky, yet sympathetic characters in THE ACCIDENTAL DEMON SLAYER. It’s devilishly good fun!”
–NYT bestselling author Tate Hallaway

Did I mention there were five agents dying to sign this woman? And I was lucky enough to have her look at my upcoming urban fantasy release for ’09. Sweet!

Without further ado, here are 13 things she said:

1. “I can see why this book was snatched up in a pre-empt. I loved it! Seriously loved it.”

2. “I love Corine’s voice. Her humor is just outstanding and is balanced well with action/mystery/magic. I ate this story up.”

3. “Chance is delicious. And Jesse. Oh wait, that’s a problem isn’t it? Well, for Corine anyway.”

4. “You have a real gift for creating memorable secondary characters.”

5. (Over a certain line) “I spit Diet Coke onto my computer keyboard. Thanks a lot.”

6. “There are sparks with both guys… I can see a (love) scene between Chance and Corine as being utterly amazing when it happens. And when it happens, I think your readers will root for him even more.”

7. “I think you are going to do very, very well with this series.”

8. “You have an outrageously compelling book.”

9. “Your locations were wonderful.”

10. “This book is truly different from the others I’ve read in the genre and that only means good things for you.”

11. “I love Corine.”

12. “TNFKaGT rocks!”

13. “You are brilliant and I hope you know it.”

To quote Goofy, “Aw, garsh.”

She also gave me wonderful feedback identifying stuff I need to work on, so when the book releases in its polished form, you’ll need to thank Angie.

Add your link below!

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13 things we can do to make the world a better place

1. Care. Don’t underestimate the power of people reaching out to other people. You have blog friends, right? People you check up on now and again. If they posted something that struck you as sort of sad or blue, would you email them? Have you ever? Maybe you think you don’t know them well enough, or they won’t answer.

Well, I’ve emailed people I didn’t know well. Offered my ear if they needed it. Sometimes I get ignored. I figure they’ve got their support bases covered, and that’s all right with me. But imagine what that email would mean to someone who did need to hear somebody was listening?

2. Stand for something. “A man who stands for nothing, will fall for anything.” Strong words, right? You know who said them? Malcolm X.

What do you stand for? What are you passionate about? Injustice? Battered women? Starving children? Wars that make the rich richer and tear a country all to hell that’s already bleeding from so many wounds and so much loss that it could break a body’s heart?

When I was a teenager, I thought it was cool to be uncaring. Blasé. Nothing moved me; I was the ice woman. I could’ve looked death itself in the eye and said “Fuck you.”

Not anymore. These days, I don’t want to be around people who care for nothing. Who look away when they see wrongdoing or pretend it doesn’t exist. Or doesn’t matter because it doesn’t apply to them.

I care. But not about being cool.

3. Give back. What do you do for your community? How do you spend your time? No matter how bad off you are, there’s almost always somebody who’s got it worse. We could all do more, but we don’t.

I spent time one summer, living in a homeless mission when I was fourteen. Not because I was homeless but because it was considered a good learning experience. I cooked, I ladled soup, broke bread, cleaned, chewed the fat, and played checkers with men that society had thrown away. I learned from them, even though people would tell you they have nothing worth giving because it can’t be weighed or measured. All they had were their stories, but I fucking treasured them.

4. Listen. How often are you really there in a conversation? All the time? Can you say that? Or are you just sitting through their talk-y stuff so you can start rattling again? Are you engaged or just playing the part?

If we don’t step outside ourselves and really listen to other people, just put aside our own shit completely, understanding that we will have our time and this is not it, what kind of friends are we? Spouses? Parents? Listening is a dying art.

If everyone truly listened with an open mind, how many arguments would be avoided? But people listen with filters and assumptions and preconceptions. Conclusions are jumped (and they don’t like that, let me tell you). Makes ’em right cranky.

I’ve had friends who didn’t have time to be there for me. Not to listen, or whatever I needed. I’m not a needy person. I’m not shouting for emotional support 24/7. But you bet there’s a reason why I said “had” friends. Past tense. When people are important to me, I drop everything and spring into action, if they tell me they need me or need to talk. I am there, 100% in the moment.

For someone not to give that back, well, that’s like a dropkick in the face. And you can bet I don’t give them the chance to let me down again. This ain’t baseball, people. Friendship is way more than that, and you just don’t let down the ones you care about when they say, “I need you.”

When people tell me they’re too busy to listen to me or help me when I need it, you know what I hear? “I’m too busy for YOU.” People make time for the things that are most important to them. And if I don’t make the cut on their list, they sure as shit aren’t staying on mine.

5. Don’t Assume. We think somebody can’t tell us anything new. It’s just another old person, or just another Christian or just another…whatever. We’ve heard all their tired ol’ crap before, same song and dance, right?

But how do you know? Can you be sure? If two people in dress clothes come to your door with pamphlets, do you slam the door in their faces without hearing a word? It has to be the Jehovah’s Witnesses, so who wants to listen to their crazy asses when people have shit to do?

And maybe 9 times out of 10 it is. Maybe even 99 times out of a 100. But what if that 100th time, it was somebody raising money for literacy. They wanted to show you some statistics on the declining reading levels. When people start slamming doors, it just gets easier and easier, both physically and mentally. New ideas get shut out.

6. Be a philanthropist. I understand, people can’t give millions of dollars and get hospital wings named after them. But small donations add up too. If the average person gave $20 a year to their charity of choice, you know how that would add up?

No, you don’t get plaques or trophies or your name in lights. But that’s not the point. The point is making the world a better place, a place we can be proud to live in.

I donated a book to Equality Now. All proceeds go directly to Amanda Sullivan — the check gets cut in her name. Whether that’s $20 or thousands of dollars, I’m trying to make a difference. Stone Maiden is a particularly appropriate book. Here’s what a fan said about the heroine:

Muir: Her quiet strength, loyalty, willingness to sacrifice and absolute faith make her a wonderful heroine. Watching her develop and grow from being totally subservient until she is, for all intents and purposes, the most powerful and important person in two societies, is a beautifully told story. I love the way you portrayed her transition from being a totally subservient woman to one who is powerful and in control yet chooses to give and sacrifice without diminishing her strength and power in any way. She is a remarkable character.

Amanda Sullivan wrote:

“Thank you very much for your support of Equality Now. We are touched that you have chosen to support us in this way, through your work.”

And that’s enough for me.

7. Be positive. Stay away from people who put you down and don’t believe you can succeed.

I believe in sisterhood.

I’d like to see the day when women celebrate each other’s achievements and care about each other in a way that doesn’t include talking about how fat somebody is, or what a whore she is, or stupid, or untalented, or whatever. I’m talking about personal attacks, mind you. Not whether I like Sally’s new book. A book is not a person, no matter what some artsy-fartsy may say about having poured her soul into the thing. Unless she used wormwood, baby blood, and black candles made from the fat of a slaughtered virgin lamb, there ain’t no soul inside a book.

And no, you don’t want to know how I know that.

Womanhood could be biggest and best club that anybody could belong to, but instead we want to break it down into cliques and go around chattering like we were fifteen again and none too bright. You know what? It’s foolishness.

I understand people don’t get along, the world is not all rainbows, puppies, and butterfly kisses, but sometimes lines need to be drawn. Why not avoid the people that rub you the wrong way?

I believe in turning the other cheek. Not my face, mind you. I’m not opening myself up to be slapped, if they were dumb enough to do me like that. That’d be my butt cheek, thank you, and if people don’t like my message, they can kiss my ass while I walk away.

8. Don’t complain. My favorite quote in the whole world expands on this: “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” —Maya Angelou

She’s such a wise woman and a great speaker. I don’t know what else I can add to this. But I’ll try. All the belly-aching in the world never changed anything. If you don’t know what to do to make the change you want happen, then you need to figure it out. Because bitching in emails, on the Internet, to your friends, to your preacher, ain’t gonna get you nothing but a sore throat and maybe sore fingers.

The woman who complains about her no-good husband all day long never gets shit done until she packs her bag and calls a cab.

Don’t talk, act.

And if you feel like you’re fucked, no matter what you do, hold your head high and remember, “This too shall pass.” Sometimes it’s not much comfort I know, but life is constantly evolving. And what seems hopeless today may look brighter tomorrow. All you can do is hold your head up and behave in a way that makes you feel proud of the way you’re bearing your own personal load.

I used to envy other people. Wonder why this or that was so easy for them. But I eventually figured out I can’t walk anyone’s road but mine.

9. Smile. This may sound lame to you, but I’ve found, if you make yourself, even when you’re dying on the inside, things feel a little lighter. People smile back. You stop feeling so alone.

There’s some truth in the whole “fake it til you make it” saying. I’ve come to decide that happiness is more a choice than a butterfly that comes to light magically on your shoulder at its own whim.

Some people could be happy if they had one leg, no shoes, and a walking stick. And some people would complain if they had a bag of gold… cos it was too damn heavy.

I’m not Mary Poppins. I get in shitty moods like anybody else where I’d like to give a priest a finger and ask him why is the world like this if there’s really a god who gives a shit about us? But I don’t let those moods move in and stay anymore. I make ’em move on by pushing that shit out of my head. And I smile.

10. Love yourself. Fat, thin, black, white, straight, gay, bi, Jewish, Buddhist, whatever. Love what you are, as you are. Because if you have any self-hatred going on, you’re gonna transfer that shit to the people who also display the traits you secretly hate about yourself.

Accept yourself 100%, as you are, no wishing you could have smaller hips or bigger tits or shinier hair or whiter teeth. No wishing you could sing or dance, or had a rich daddy. People who do that have a much easier time in taking other people as they come, easy-peasy.

11. Recycle. This is self-explanatory. We are ruining the world we live in, but it’s not too late. We can live green and try to reverse the damage we’ve done. If we care. If we try.

12. Pay it forward. Perpetrate random acts of kindness. Hold the door for someone. Give the guy in line ahead of you that penny he’s scrounging for. Smile and say, “Hi, how are you?” to someone you don’t know.

When was the last time you did something nice for somebody, just because? Not a family member, either. Just a random person. Can you name the last time? What was it?

13. Keep an open mind. People who stop trying new things, new ideas, well, they stagnate. You know that grouchy old bastard who mumbles about “kids today” and their wild music, and stopped watching TV when Dragnet went off the air? You don’t want to wind up that way.

Listen to world music, learn about a new culture, take belly-dancing lessons, learn Russian. Never, ever stop trying to expand your horizons, or one day you may find your world has shrunk to four walls and a roommate who pisses himself.

I’m not saying you won’t wind up in a home someday anyway, but at least you’ll be the coolest motherfucker up in there, what with your Thai cooking, your tai-chi, belly-dancing, Russian speaking, geriatric ass.

I’m gonna leave y’all with my favorite poem now (about how we lose the “living” in the day-to-day business of our lives) because I’ve bared my soul tonight, and frankly, I’m feelin’ a little emo.

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
with a red hat that doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
and satin candles, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
and run my stick along the public railings
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick the flowers in other people’s gardens
and learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of sausages at a go
or only bread and pickles for a week
and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
and pay our rent and not swear in the street
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Peace.


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13 stupid fart jokes

Before you condemn me for this list, I present the following article. Can you imagine America’s commander in chief enjoying this kind of humor? Why, it’s a US tradition! One that goes back a long way, apparently.

Anyhow, enjoy the jokes.

1. One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.

She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The salesman says, “I’m blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight.”

So the lady gives him the pole and he says, “That pole is worth $45.” She’s amazed at how cheap that is.

So then she picks up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, “This pole is worth $55.” She decides that’s also really cheap, so maybe she can afford the best in the store.

Next she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and hands it to the man and he says, “This pole is our best and it is $70.”

She tells him she’ll take it.

As she’s getting the pole rung up, she has to fart really, really bad. She decides since the man’s blind and can’t ID her, it doesn’t matter if she farts in front of him so she just lets loose.

All of a sudden the man says, “Your total is $80.”

Confused, the lady says to him, “But you said the fishing pole was only $70.”

He answers, “It is. It’s $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call.”

2. 2 Blokes (Japanese and American) are playing golf. The Japanese guy is getting ready to tee off and suddenly starts talking to his thumb.

American bloke says: “What you doin?”

“Oh, don’t worry, with Microtechnology I had a Microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.”

The 2 men carry on golfing, but all of a sudden the American man makes a funny sound, that amazingly sounds like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. ‘Oh,’ says the American. “Don’t worry, I’m just receiving a fax.”

3. A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there’s no tomorrow. The wife, understandably is angry as fuck, and says: “One day, honey, you’re gonna fart your guts out.”

The next Sunday, as wife is preparing a turkey for lunch, Hubbie falls asleep. Wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and stuff ’em in the boxers her husband is wearing. She then goes back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband comes to the dinner table looking very frightened.

“What happened?” asks his wife.

“Well,” the man says, “you were right. I farted my guts out.”

“Oh no!” the wife exclaims. “What’d you do?”

“Well, with the Grace of God and these two fingers, I got ’em all back up in there!”

4. A bloke is taking a piss down a lane when a Copper spots him. “Oi Guvnor, you can’t do that here!!! It’ll cost you a 45 quid fine.”

The bloke gives him a 50 quid note and the Cop says: “But I haven’t any change.”

“No worries, you can keep it,” says the bloke…”cos I dropped a couple of farts as well.”

5. How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.

6. “Darling,” says a husband coyly to his wife one evening, “I’m in the mood for something different. Let’s swap positions tonight.”

“What a good idea,” she replies. “You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I’ll sit in front of the TV and fart.”

7. What is Green and Smelly? Hulk farts…

8. What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.

9. A man goes to visit his doctor and says, “Doc, I’ve got a rather embarrassing problem, my farts just don’t sound right.”

“Well, how do they sound?” inquires the doctor.

“They make a HONDA sound.”

The doctor looks puzzled. “Hmm, is there anything else I should know?”

“Well, I also have a terrible boil on my arse,” replies the man.

The doctor looks pleased. “That’s it then. We’ll lance that boil and you’ll see a difference immediately.”

“Why’s that then, Doc?” asks the man.

“It’s well known,” laughs the Doctor, “Abscess makes the fart go Honda.”

10. One day around Christmas time, an Avon lady was soliciting her products in an apartment building. She had just got on the elevator to go to the top floor when she had an overwhelming urge to fart. Seeing as how there was no one else in the elevator she decided to let it rip. It was the most intensely disgusting fart she had ever smelled. She quickly sprayed a new pine scented air freshener with the intent of covering up the smell of the fart.

An older lady got on at the next floor, turned very red in the face and quickly got off on the next floor, so she decided to spray a little more of the air freshener. Two floors later a drunk man got on but did not seem overly distracted by the smell.

She took the opportunity to advertise her product. She said, “Excuse me sir, but I’d like to ask you what you think of our new line of Christmas Scent air fresheners?”

He sniffed the air intensely, hiccuped, and said, “Smells to me like somebody shit a Christmas tree.”

11. What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn’t even leave a hole.

12. What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
“You are the wind beneath my wings.”

13. And finally, what fart list would be complete without this? Oops, I Farted Again – the super flatulent mega-hit!

EDIT: Bonus joke, best of the best! In order to get the full effect, you must imagine it’s being told by your extremely genteel grandmother (As related in comments by Kelly McCrady):

Queen Elizabeth was out riding with a friend, on a rather flatulent horse. On a slow part of the trail, her horse broke wind, and being the lady she is, she apologized.

The gentleman turned to her and said, “That’s quite all right, Your Majesty. I thought it was your horse.”

Admit it, you laughed at a couple of those.

Leave your link below!

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13 things the LOLcats have left as offerings outside my office door

1. dirty sock
2. dead cricket
3. live cricket
4. clean sock
5. pair of black tights
6. a small lizard
7. one old slipper
8. stuffed skunk
9. my new shoe
10. a baby turtle
11. a shredded roll of toilet paper
12. one mangled plastic bag
13. string of beads

And a partridge in a pear tree. My cats fancy themselves mighty hunters, so won’t you “ooh” and “ahh” over their prowess? Amazingly enough, the turtle suffered no ill effects (even though he was missing for days and endured a frightening stint as a kitty toy). Never fear, Splish has been returned to his aquarium and is doing fine.

No turtles or lizards were harmed in the making of this post. Sadly, one cricket did not survive.


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13 Things about my dear friend Carrie Lofty

1. We shared a room at National in Dallas.

2. We kept each other up until stupid o’clock, giggling.

3. She can make me laugh just by saying “Turk!” in a particular accent.

4. The airline lost her luggage on the way to Dallas and she spent the first day worrying she’d have to wear a Killers t-shirt for four days. (And do all her pitches in it too!) Happily, they found her stuff, and she rocked the house at National; both her pitches resulted in requests for mss.

5. She’s written an absolutely amazing historical romance, called Redeeming Will Scarlet.

6. She was inspired by Christian Slater in Prince of Thieves.

7. There are some super action scenes in this book, unbelievably vivid, and with almost cinematic color / clarity. Even if you don’t ordinarily like historicals, you’ll want to check this one out. It’s on a whole ‘nother level.

8. Did I mention her hero is hawt? Will is burn-the-house down hawt.

9. Her heroine, Meg, is mean as a sack of snakes, and I love her. She’s strong, unique, and fabulous — she’s an alchemist! How cool is that? The historical detail is so kickass. I mean, all the cool shit Meg does in the book is all scientifically accurate. Oh, and she’s blind. Carrie does a freakin’ amazing job compensating, writing for her other senses. The whole book is astonishingly raw and sensual.

10. The love scenes are swoon-worthy. Exhibit A:

“Kiss me,” he said, hearing a plea buried in his command.

“Where?”

“By the saints.”

He closed his eyes, hammered by the thrill of her question. A shuddering breath did not douse his ardor. Pain and pleasure blurred the boundary between waking and dreaming…

Daaaaaaaamn, right? What a punch she packs with that question.

11. Carrie recently signed with Caren Johnson, who also reps the lovely & talented Caridad Ferrer. (Yes, the one who won the RITA.)

12. As if you aren’t already dying to get your hands on Redeeming Will Scarlet, here’s a snippet of what Susan Wiggs (yes, you read that right!) said about the book: “Readers will delight in this inventive foray into a legendary place…”

13. And finally, here’s the important bit: she recently made a two-book deal with Hilary Sares / Kensington Books for Redeeming Will Scarlet and a sequel. Redeeming Will Scarlet hits bookshelves as a Zebra Debut in September ’08. Go Carrie!

Make sure you stop by her blog to show her T13 some love today.

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13 Things a True Southerner knows

1. The difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit.

2. How many fish or collards greens make up a mess.

3. What direction cattywumpus is.

4. That “gimme sugar” don’t mean pass the sugar.

5. When somebody’s “fixin” to do something, it could take 5 minutes or 2 weeks.

6. What “Well I Suwannee !!” means.

7. A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

8. Real gravy don’t come from the store.

9. When “by and by” is.

10. How to handle their “pot likker”.

11. The difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and trailer trash.

12. What “jack-leg” means.

13. That the best comfort in times of trouble is a plate of fried chicken and a big bowl of potato salad. If the trouble is real dire, they add banana puddin’.

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13 Keepers

These are all books that made my heart clench for various reasons as I read them. That’s what a keeper does, makes me feel something. Sadly I no longer have eleven of them, as I lost them in the flood. I’ll set about replacing them as I can.


1. Archangel by Sharon Shinn

2. Sunshine by Robin McKinley
3. Seize the Fire by Laura Kinsale
4. Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie
5. Once in Every Life by Kristin Hannah
6. Son of the Morning by Linda Howard
7. Autumn Rain by Anita Mills
8. Once in a Blue Moon by Penelope Williamson
9. All Through the Night by Connie Brockway
10. Bliss by Judy Cuevas
11. Finding Home by Bonnie Dee and Lauren Baker
12. Mad World by Pepper Espinoza
13. The Dream Hunter by Laura Kinsale

What makes a book a keeper? Well, I’m talking about that here. And running a contest as well, so you might want to stop by and lend your thoughts to the discussion. This one closes at Saturday midnight, so don’t miss out on the chance for a free book.

What titles are keepers for you?

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13 reasons you gotta buy this book

1. It has stories written by Bonnie Dee, Dionne Galace, and me.

2. They’re hot.

3. Exhibit A from Waking Kitty by Dionne Galace

“Damn it, Kitty. What did I say?”

She crossed her arms across her ample chest and narrowed her eyes at him. “Oh, I know you didn’t just use that tone with me, Jack.”

Jack gritted his teeth and buried both hands in his hair. Goddamn disobedient maddeningly sexy female. “Kitty, I’m trying very, very hard to be a gentleman to you here, okay? You’ve had a rough day and I didn’t want to add to it by attacking you like a ravening wolf. But you’re making it very, very hard for me to be nice to you.”

The corners of her lips quirked up in a saucy smile. “Is it very, very hard, Jack?”

4. Exhibit B from The Straw Man by Bonnie Dee

He stood on her porch, broad-shouldered and raw-boned, looking at her with those exotic, soulful eyes. “You only asked for one night.”

She felt her resistance melting. It was his dark chocolate eyes that did it. Between one breath and the next she suddenly and completely believed he was what she thought he was. The magic must be working on her, too, breaking down her logic and allowing her to believe. There was no other rational explanation for what she did next. As he moved a tentative foot toward the door, she swung it open and stepped back to let him inside. A rain-scented wind blew in with him, bringing a scattering of dried leaves into the front hall. Moving slowly, as if in a dream, she closed the door behind him.

5. Exhibit C from Seven Days by …well, me

“Kiss me, Tess.”

Oh, diabolical. By putting the power in her hands it became entirely her choice how they touched, if they did. Her heart galloped. She wanted his mouth. If she trusted herself to sample that and nothing more–

“I don’t know how,” she whispered.

“Put your mouth on mine. I’ll show you.”

Her lashes fluttered shut and she leaned in blind, seeking by heat and instinct until her lips glanced off his chin. He tilted his head, compensated, and his mouth felt like pressed silk beneath hers, warm and smooth. She knew nothing of what to expect but he didn’t take her in his arms.

That was proscribed. His mouth plucked at hers, their only point of contact, not ravaging but seducing. The nutmeg and clove scent intensified as he coaxed her lips apart. Light, delicate, Dev nuzzled her top lip until it tingled. When he repeated the tease on her lower lip, heat blossomed in response, flaring to tiny, dazzling currents.

6. There are no secret babies.

7. Three delicious, exotic heroes. You won’t believe how much so until you read it.

8. One truly unique heroine.

9. Writing so yummy it makes your toes curl. No, not mine. Although if your toes curl over my story, I’d love to know about it. Put My Toes Curled! in the subject line and I’ll squee like a pretty, pretty princess.

10. A cover so sensual and decadent you could stare at it for days. Don’t mind if I do…

11. Stories that are erotic without being full of improbable unsexy sex. No tab A, slot B stuff in here.

12. There’s no what-what in the butt, where the heroine screams like a cat in heat and acts as if she’s riding the Orgasmatron.

13. The baby bunny really wants you to buy Boundless. Can you say no to this face?

You can get your copy Sept 3.

T13

13 ways to score free books

Got your attention, didn’t I? As an author, you’d think I would be against free books on principle, but nope, no way. I’m all for anything that gets people reading. See, once you get ’em started, it becomes a habit. They want more, and then I’m perfectly placed to hook them up. I’m watch you call a threshold literary pusher.

Yeah, you got that right. I’m your friendly neighborhood book-crack dealer. Why do you think it says on the excerpt pages of my website: “Your first taste is free”? I aim to make y’all story junkies, who can’t get enough of what I got.

But in the meantime, I’ll help you find some free reads.

1. Shareware eBooks
They don’t have a huge selection, but the most important part is… free! You might be surprised at the books in the romance section. I found Pleasure for Pleasure here, which I understand is awesome. And their reader is gorgeous; it looks like an actual book on your computer screen with turning pages and everything. They also have the complete works of Andrew Lang, which is quite wonderful.

2. Paperback Swap
All you pay is postage. You send books; you get books back. This is a beautiful system, and you can request certain ones, I believe.

3. Title Trader
This site works like Paperback Swap, but you can also trade movies and games as well.

4. SF-Books
Another swap site, but this one specializes in SF and Fantasy with some horror as well. Joining is free, and you earn credits for each book you send out. That allows you to ask for any book you want on the site.

5. Enter contests. You should enter every contest you can. Why? Because the prize is usually a free book, or sometimes a gift certificate that will allow you to pick out books for free. Yay!

6. Join the staff of a review site. You’ll get your pick of new releases.

7. Project Gutenberg
Over 20,000 free books just waiting for you to download and stash on your PDA. I snagged the complete works of Cory Doctorow on there and took them on vacation with me. There’s a lot of classics on here, but there are other hidden gems as well. For instance, did you know that A.A. Milne wrote a detective novel in 1922? It’s called The Red House Mystery. You can find it here. He wrote this dedication:

TO JOHN VINE MILNE
MY DEAR FATHER,

Like all really nice people, you have a weakness for detective
stories, and feel that there are not enough of them. So, after
all that you have done for me, the least that I can do for you
is to write you one. Here it is: with more gratitude and
affection than I can well put down here.

You can see the gentle good humor that he imbued to his much beloved Winnie the Pooh stories. It’s worth a look.

8. Become a beta reader. This means befriending an author and eventually saying ever-so-casually, “I wouldn’t mind beta-reading for you.” This doesn’t mean critique. A beta reader is unaffiliated with publishing, and is only required to give a reaction to the book. Say what worked or didn’t work. Why. Sometimes beta readers notice things that writers / editors don’t. Common sense type things, like if a faerie character is allergic to iron, but has no problem riding in cars.

9. Internet Public Library
This has some interesting stuff on it. I’m partial to the Cowboy Poets and the translated works of female authors writing before 1700. Lots of obscure treasures to be uncovered.

10. Check author websites for a “free reads” page. Many of us offer free stories just to reward readers for visiting.

11. Baen Free Library

Anyone who wishes can read these titles online — no conditions, no strings attached. (Later we may ask for an extremely simple, name and email only, registration. ) Or, if you prefer, you can download the books in one of several formats. Again, with no conditions or strings attached.

And it’s just that simple.

12. ManyBooks
Over 17,000 free books, including The Rainbow and Women in Love by DH Lawrence. I like the Banned Books section. It’s amusing to see what knobheads have objected to. What in the world is wrong with The Call of the Wild? I read that in grade school. They also have a large, yummy Pulp section, so if you love Robert E. Howard and his contemporaries, you can find lots of goodies here.

13. Bookins
Another swap site. Can you ever have too many? They offer flat-rate shipping.

Hope you’ve learned something and get a good free read shortly.